Casuals Cottage.
Casuals Cottage.


1993 - 2009

The Westminster Casuals were nearing the end of their second season (1992/93) when a club tour was first discussed and it was soon agreed that Bridgend in South Wales would be ideal for the clubs first European adventure.
With years of experience of its lively nightlife player manager Phil Malcolm and star striker Huw Thomas assured us we?d receive a warm welcome. The rest as they say, is history...
Thirteen Casuals make the inaugural journey across the Severn Bridge and Rulo soon sets the room wrecking tone by tossing Vinny Djemal?s mattress through a top floor bedroom window. Phil follows up by blocking poor old Vinny?s sink and floods the room.
The Friday night is a very drunken affair, the highlight being Rulo and Mad Dog Malcolm?s "curryball" encounter when the manager loses his contact lenses in a plate of chicken tikka massala.
The match vs Bridgend is an embarrassment with Dave Houlker and Tony Almond dragged out of the bar sinking their second pre match pint, and the Londoners find themselves a couple of early goals down.
The second half sees an improvement but any hope of a comeback is quashed when Gazza Ward lets weak shots under his body and through his hands and the Casuals lose 5-3. The tourists get their first taste of Bridgend bar games and are defeated in the boat race and bottle walking.
The Saturday evening proves to be a highly memorable night for Vinny as he loses his virginity to a local moose in the back of his Ford Escort (since referred to as his Turkish Fuck Truck). The minging Valley girl shows her appreciation by throwing up out of the window during intercourse and rewards Vinny with a dose of crabs. Lovely.
1993 Tourists (13): Phil Malcolm, Michael Rootes, Roger Phillips, Tony Smith, Vinny Djemal, Gazza Ward, Tom Petch, Nicky Markham, Martin Rootes, Dave Houlker, Dom Bourke, Tony Almond, Mark McGregor

Back row (l to r): Martin Rootes, Tony Smith, Andy Rushforth, Nick Markham, Phil Malcolm, Gazza Ward, Dave Houlker

Front: Vinny Djemal, Danny Grimes, Martin Fricker, Michael Rootes, Dom Bourke, Roger Phiilips

Following the huge success of the first trip, fourteen Casuals travel to Wales kitted out in tour T shirts bearing the legend "Casuals Hardcore - You know the score, Bridgend/Magaluf 94" as half of the squad are jetting off to the Spanish island after the Welsh renewal.
Upon arrival Rulo assembles a shaving squad to forcibly remove his brothers beard. Beardo struggles at first and is pinned to his bed by the heavier members of the squad which causes the bed to break.

Gazza and Rushy set up a drug den in their Wyndham Hotel room. Whiter than white virgin tourist Danny Grimes does not approve and complains about passive smoking (how times have changed).
Despite a 6-1 reverse against Bridgend young Grimes pulls off a string of fine saves as the Casuals struggle to get to grips with playing with horrendous hangovers. The Casuals finally win a bar game as Councillor Nicky Markham introduces upper class favourite wibbly-wobbly. 
Vinny pulls again and drink-drives his conquest to her home in the Valleys but gets lost on the way back the hotel and drives the wrong way down a dual carriageway.
The tourists return to Coychurch Road the following day and record a stunning 4-2 victory over Ogmore with the now aerodynamic Martin Rootes and Martin Fricker (playing his last Casuals game before taking up ballroom dancing) amongst the scorers.
1994 Tourists (14): Phil Malcolm, Michael Rootes, Roger Phillips, Tony Smith, Vinny Djemal, Gazza Ward, Danny Grimes, Nicky Markham, Martin Rootes, Dave Houlker, Dom Bourke, Martin Fricker, Andy Rushforth, Duncan Murray.

A highly memorable tour during which several Bridgend virgins make their mark. Included in the group of seventeen is ginger figure of fun Darryl Williams and he entertains a minger who then bumps into some of the lads when leaving his room. He follows her out and asks if she fancies a threesome to which she replies "Fuck off Needledick!" She then gives the lads a flash of her horrible tits for good measure.
Two Sarf London boys Darren Slawson and Duncan McRoberts who had met with the Casuals in Magaluf join the party and laugh a minute "Hoo-Haa" Slawson has the lads in stitches.
First time tourist Huw Thomas makes his mark by plotting with teammates to strip roommate Markham, however Vinny gets slightly carried away and covers the room (and Markham) in shaving foam.

Casuals Bridgend tour 1995
Duncan McRoberts, Danny Grimes, Gazza Ward, Michael Rootes, Tony Smith, Huw Thomas, Phil Malcolm, Graham Nash, Vinny Djemal, Geraint Thomas
Darren Slawson, Roger Phillips, Darryl Williams, Dave Houlker, Dom Bourke, Nick Markham
The game is one of the Arabian Cup classics. With the Casuals trailing by two goals with 15 minutes remaining, the front two partnership of Michael Rootes and Malcolm combine brilliantly and salvage a deserved draw for the visitors. Danny Grimes is covered with Ribena at half time following his revelations that in his schooldays he was regularly despatched by his team-mates to purchase their supplies of the blackcurrant beverage.

A new bar game is added to the post match revelry in the shape of Dwarf throwing. Dom Bourke is tossed across the room by a group of Welshmen but his subsequent injuries mean he never plays (our tours) again.
Following a big Saturday night in Monroes where the Bollinger Bunny buys champagne for everyone, several squad members including Gazza and Geraint climb out of their hotel windows and wander around the scaffolding erected around the hotel. To their horror they look through a small bathroom window only to see Graham Nash furiously wanking despite having a heavy plastercast on his forearm.  To their enternal credit they decide to preserve what little dignity Nashy has left and creep off quietly.
The Sunday match vs Ogmore sees the unveiling of some novel goalscoring celebrations: The Huw Thomas bellyslap, the Rulo "We?re not Worthy" and the Roger Phillips inspired "I?m Loopy" as the Casuals come from behind to win 7-2.
1995 Tourists (17): Phil Malcolm, Michael Rootes, Roger Phillips, Tony Smith, Vinny Djemal, Gazza Ward, Danny Grimes, Nicky Markham, Geraint Thomas, Dave Houlker, Dom Bourke, Graham Nash, Darryl Williams, Darren Slawson, Duncan McRoberts, Huw Thomas, Mark Johnston.
In order to aid the pulling process Phil designs some Casuals calling cards for distribution to Valley girls that make it quite clear we are in Bridgend to "Drink Beer and Shag Birds".
Due to a show by strippers the Dreamboys in a marquee erected on the Coychurch Road pitch, the Arabian Cup match is played in a local park but despite this disappointment a squad of seventeen make the trip.
Hoo Haa and Duncan bring along mate and top London DJ Splosh. Tour virgin Steve Cates leaves for Wembley for the Liverpool v Man Utd FA Cup Final early on Saturday morning but manages to share the Monroes stage with a Boy George impersonator on the Friday evening.
The match on the Saturday sees the Casuals defeat Bridgend 3-2 to finally lift the Arabian Cup at the fourth time of asking, despite an awful goalkeeping display by Flapper Grimes. Danny is so bad that Phil has concerns he has taken a Grobellear style bribe so he replaces him with Smithy in goal, deciding to "Give Bruce a blow". Poor old Dan doesn?t take this at all well, and with his pride and self confidence on the floor he loads up his car and heads home with tears in his eyes. 
Post match bar games take place at the Bridgend FC clubhouse as normal, including a new game diving across wet tables. Huw?s ?Dying Swan? is one of the most impressive efforts.
With the Casuals in a celebratory mood, the Saturday night is a hedonistic affair with most players consuming a cocktail of champagne and powder. Splosh is true to his word of "coke for everyone" and players form a queue on a packed dancefloor. Splosh?s request that the boys show some discression is ignored by Phil as he bowls up, and with a line on his hand looks over both shoulders and then takes a huge snort, and with his eyes almost bulging out of their sockets shouts "Foookin Hell!"
Somehow the boys drag themselves out of bed on Sunday morning to play an hour of 5-a-side at the Bridgend recreation centre.
1996 Tourists (17): Phil Malcolm, Michael Rootes, Roger Phillips, Tony Smith, Vinny Djemal, Gazza Ward, Danny Grimes, Huw Thomas, Geraint Thomas, Graham Nash, Steve Cates, Darren Slawson, Duncan McRoberts, Stuart Gray (Splosh), Neil Williams, Andy Rushforth, Dez Monks.
A record number of tourists (24) make the trip as word gets round that the tour is a not to be missed laugh a minute experience. The itinerary includes golf on the Friday for the first time.
In the chippy at 2.30am on Saturday morning tour virgin Vialli along with Catesy and Vinny pull a Valley girl and toss a coin for the right to take her home. Vinny wins but graciously allows Catesy to do the honours as its been so long since he last emptied his sacks.
Dan unveils his ridiculous Bart Simpson tattoo but has to depart on Friday night leaving Smithy to wear the number one jersey in the Arabian Cup match. Unfortunately he throws in a couple of early goals and the Casuals aren?t able to recover and lose a further four goals in the last 15 mins to shamefully lose 6-0.
Highlight of the game is Pilch?s tannoy announcement of "would Graham Bartlett please leave the pitch as he is causing an obstruction." Everyone falls about laughing and Phil heaps further embarrassment on the journeyman Scouser by not replacing him as he leaves the field.
There is not a decent performance in the team and Vinny wins MOM on the back of one piece of outrageous skill. Tour virgin professional footballer Grant Payne is anonymous in the match and as a result gets spooned horrendously in the bar games.
Nicky Markham laces Rulo?s first post match pint with laxatives so he takes revenge by depositing his runny otters on the bonnet of the Councillor?s Mercedes. The Casuals watch Chelsea win the FA Cup and then move into town where Arf upsets Bart by shagging a female and Catesy boots Pilch out of his room so he can bugger Bethan Stacey.
Meanwhile Smithy is busy treating the bird he squired the previous night to an evening at the cinema. Payney drinks himself into such a stupor that Vinny & Rog are able to humiliate him by placing a lightbulb up his backside and a lampshade on his head. However the boys recover sufficiently to win the Sunday match at Coychurch Road.
1997 Tourists (24): Phil Malcolm, Michael Rootes, Roger Phillips, Tony Smith, Vinny Djemal, Gazza Ward, Danny Grimes, Matt Creely, Grant Payne, Stuart Richards, Steve Cates, Graham Bartlett, Dave Brailsford, Neil Williams, Darryl Williams, Darren Slawson, Duncan McRoberts, Richard Whitlock, Brendan Cahill, John Joyce, Nick Markham, Neil Relph, Arfan Sheikh, Geraint Thomas.
A slimmed down squad of 14 makes the trip but prove that size isn?t everything as this goes down as arguably the funniest tour of all-time.
Phil Malcolm is undoubtedly "tour victim".
He pulls Olive from On the Buses on the Friday night and gets her back into his seedy Wyndham Hotel den for a drilling. However when he rips his shirt off, his dartboard chest and pasty white skin cause the absolute rotter to change her mind (a womans perogative after all) and she asks to leave at which point Phil?s infamous attempted assault takes place. It goes without saying that Olive proves to be too strong for the Bridgend Ripper and she makes a quick exit, but not before he can ask her if a blow job is out of the question.
News of this attempted assault soon reaches the boys and the new club anthem is born. The next morning the tourists tee off at the Mountain Lakes Golf Course but before too long Dan and Joycey find themselves touching cloth and are both forced to drop a turd in the bushes. Still recovering from the previous nights events, the rapist looses all his balls by the 15th hole.
The Friday night curry is hilarious as the squad don their green Casuals T shirts and abuse Phil for 2 hours, the coup de grace being Payney?s Jack the Ripper impression with two eyeholes cut into his napkin. Later in the evening, Pilch tells of his misspent youth as a trainspotter and Nashy describes him as a complete c*nt.
The Arabian Cup is a match to remember. Payney is motivated by Phil?s teamtalk where he tells him his inept 1997 performance "was a fucking embarrassment" and the Casuals win a classic 4-3 with Rulo bagging all four.
The rapist then brings the house down with his effort in the post match sherbert & crackers bar game, spewing into a bucket straight after downing his pint. What his watching mum made of the "Phil Malcolms a Rapist" chanting god only knows. His humiliation is complete when his team-mates strip him in the centre circle of the pitch and chuck his union jack boxes on the clubhouse roof.
The Casuals return to Coychurch Road for the Sunday match with the Haywain and run out 7-3 winners, the highlight being a 25-yard curler from Creelo (yed you read that right)
1998 (14): Phil Malcolm, Michael Rootes, Roger Phillips, Tony Smith, Graham Nash, John Joyce, Danny Grimes, Matt Creely, Grant Payne, Stuart Richards, Steve Cates, Graham Bartlett, Dave Brailsford, Arfan Shaikh.

CAMPIONI: The Casuals celebrate Arabian Cup victory (with the London Commercial League trophy!)

Having won the Commercial League Div 3 championship, the Casuals arrive in Bridgend in good spirits. Unfortunately half of the title winning team are unable to make the trip and just 12 tourists descend on South Wales.
However the boys proudly model their red "Champions" T shirts and play golf with Jan Bekker at his Coed-y-Mwstwr golf course on Friday afternoon.
With Roger recovering from a broken metatarsal, the tourists have eleven fit players for the Arabian Cup match that is played in a thunderstorm. The Casuals are soon reduced to ten as Smithy is rushed to hospital with a nasty looking gash (not his first in Bridgend) that requires one stitch.
Amazingly the tiring ten men are able to defend Rulo-s first half hattrick and they hang on for a heroic 3-2 victory and celebrate with a team Klinsmann dive in the pouring rain.
Things really start to get messy when the victors return to the Wyndham Hotel bar for Payney?s pub golf. The toilets are a sea of puke as players struggle to keep up with a punishing drinking pace set by Vialli and some resort to tactical chunders to make room for more lager.

Virgin tourist Lee Welch doesn?t know whats hit him and loses the ability to speak. The 75 year old League trophy is brought down into the bar as the party gets under way and the rapist urinates into it in full public view and takes great pleasure in pouring his warm urine over Pilch?s head. 

CAM ARRRRN! Pilch, Creelo, Rulo, Phil & Payney with Bridgend Legend Ian Gearey. Vialli drags on a fag on the right.
The squad stagger out of the Dun bar at 9pm pissed out of their skulls and most of the evening is a blank. When Dan ventures into the car park on Sunday morning he is greatly distressed to see his BMW has been covered with shaving foam, and drives home in floods of tears (sound familiar?)
Phil volunteers to go between the sticks (guilty conscience perhaps?) for the match vs The Haywain on astroturf as Bekker and son make their club debuts. The Casuals run out winners in a high scoring game as Payney comes to life and plays his best football on tour.
1999 (15): Phil Malcolm, Michael Rootes, Roger Phillips, Tony Smith,  Vinny Djemal, Lee Welch, Danny Grimes, Matt Creely, Grant Payne, Stuart Richards, Graham Bartlett, Dave Brailsford.

With Phil?s wedding only a month away the first tour of the new millennium was always going to be a biggun. Amongst the virgins are Junior Shag Gary Payne and his mate Simon Sockets Dorset fulfilling the roles of tour "chemists".
Payne Senior is on crutches following a knee op but decides against being wheeled around town in a wheelchair that Creelo has brought all the way to Wales.
Surrounded by beefy Welshmen, Danny Nelson can barely contain himself and is beaten up on Friday night in the gents as he tries to fondle a stranger. Despite this rather public outing he puts in a sterling performance in the Arabian Cup scoring the first in a 4-2 win (see below.).
Rulo, Catesy and Ali Stennett also net and the Londoners celebrate in style with a stripper in the Coychurch Road bar. Rather than subject himself to seeing a naked woman Creelo locks himself in the toilet, and misses out on seeing Phil?s ginger pubes set on fire. Dan is next on stage and is brave (and stupid) enough to go down on the rancid old minger.
Saturday night really gets going with pub golf and Grimes and Malcolm incredibly contest a 10th pint play off. The rapist downs his pint first and by way of celebration places his cock into an unsuspecting Jan Bekker?s hand. Struggling to keep up with the pace, Stennett deposits a Mr. Whippy style puke into an ashtray and then complains that he is puking blood until it is pointed out that he has eaten a chicken tikka kebab.
Monroes is suprsingly quiet but the lads are in stitches as Junior Shag abuses a pair of valley girls, and then Mark Ferris tries chatting them up with lines like "Do you fancy a spit roast?" and "I?m going to rrrrrrrape you." They love it and he takes one back to his hotel room. Phil?s crab dance gets its Bridgend premiere and he takes a kicking from a bouncer as he refuses to get up off the dancefloor.
Roger provides the entertainment on the way home, drawing a blue moustache on his face with marker pen and buying three space hoppers at a motorway service station using only the power of mime. Priceless.
The Westminster Casuals picked up the Mike Vigus Arabian Cup for the third year in succession following the clubs turbulent season long battle against relegation, displaying the "never say Dai" attitude that has served them so well on previous tour triumphs.
The victory was well deserved due to a magnificent performance from a "London" team (as described on the PA system) who fielded four tour virgins in their starting line up.
Team manager Phil Malcolm was at last able to call on the services of a decent keeper in the shape of Mark Ferris and he proved his worth with a series of fine saves. Other debutants were young winger Danny Nelson playing despite a vicious gay bashing on the eve of the match, central defender Ali Stennett and junior shag Gary Payne.
Grant Payne?s knee surgery made him unavailable for selection and his porky but industrious younger brother excelled in the midfield role usually held by the workshy shagger. The Casuals team was a real family affair as Martin Rootes, elder brother of Michael, returned for his first tour appearance since 1994, sporting his trademark designer stubble (fashionable in 1994) and turned in his usual solid performance that once made him a casuals regular.
As in all recent Arabian Cup encounters the Casuals began the match brightly and forced several corners with some attractive approach play.  The first goal came as a result of a fine Casuals move. Michael Rootes received a pass from Steve Cates on the left corner of the penalty area, and he flighted a cross to the far post where Danny Nelson neatly headed in.
Michael Rootes soon doubled the lead with his customary tour goal.  He capitalised on a defensive mix up and cooly lobbed the Welsh keeper for his 11th goal in 8 Arabian Cup matches. As the half wore on Bridgend came into the game but with the casuals rearguard well marshalled by Stennett and Richards the visitors goal was rarely threatened.  However the home side did eventually score with a fierce shot and really brought the match to life.
The game became stretched and both sides had chances but it was Steve Cates who put his team back into the accendancy was next to hit the net. Receiving the ball in a wide position everyone expected a cross but instead he curled an exquisite shot into the far top corner of the goal to send the Casuals into dreamland at half time.
Midway through the second half the Casuals earned a free kick 40 yards from goal. Following a lengthy stoppage Cates delivered the ball onto the head of Stennett who powered a glorious header into the corner of the Bridgend net. The home side scored their second with ten minutes remaining but the casuals remained in control.
At the final whistle the casuals sank to their knees with pure exhaustion, especially Matt Creely who had once again typified the spirit of the tour with his heavy drinking and 100% effort on the battlefield of Coychurch Road.
The proud casuals were triumphant once again and took great pleasure in collecting the beautifully mounted Arabian Cup in the clubhouse with the "Casuali" chant echoing through the Valleys.
Team: Ferris, Martin Rootes, Philips, Smith, Richards, Stennett, Gary Payne, Cates, Michael Rootes, Malcolm, Nelson. Subs: Creely, Dorset, Grimes.

2000 Tourists (18): Phil Malcolm, Michael Rootes, Roger Phillips, Tony Smith, Ali Stennett, Gary Payne, Danny Grimes, Matt Creely, Grant Payne, Stuart Richards, Steve Cates, Danny Nelson, Simon Dorset, Martin Rootes, Mark Ferris.

For the first time, the Westminster Casuals FC have a London Commercial League fixture on the same day as the Arabian Cup clash making many players unavailable, so Phil pulls together a squad of club legends, tour die-hards and some enthusiastic new blood in the form of Payney?s mates. Non stop talker Paul Phillips, alcoholic Andy Savage Williams and ex boy band member Martin Chard enliven proceedings on arrival.
Talk of having "an easy one" on the Friday night is soon forgotten when the squad down a series of aftershocks and Boy Band commands the Cody?s dancefloor. The colossal amount of alcohol consumed leaves the team nursing sore heads on the morning of the Arabian Cup.
With Payney hobbling around on crutches (again) and Savage recovering from a knee operation, Bridgend stalwart Vic deputises for late no show Stuart Richards and Darren Noter, another local, comes on for the injured Smithy and scores the Casuals two goals in a 3-2 defeat.

Saturday night sees Animal, Derek, Ian Gearie and several other Bridgend players join up with the Casuals for pub golf in the Dunraven Hotel bar but they can?t keep up with the Londoners drinking and disappear long before the evening is over.

Creelo sets his mouth on fire when gargling a flaming pernod and his lips swell up like he?s gone 15 rounds with Mike Tyson.  A long Saturday night ends in the hotel bar at 6am but everyone leaves Wales on Sunday looking forward to more of the same on the 10th tour. 





The 10th tour gets underway with a HUGE Thursday night session. Rulo pays the price and spends most of Friday shaking and spewing in bed, and Catesy viciously takes the piss while he suffers. The rest of the lads play golf in a thunderstorm.


Ever-present tourist and recently divorced sex addict Tony Smith proclaims his undying love for his new ?soulmate? and doesn?t try and pull a bird the entire weekend. He never toured again.


The squad wear blue T shirts emblazoned with the number 10 on the back, and seven tour virgins, including all the Worcester boys make the trip.



Lofty made his Arabian Cup debut, and fellow keeper Mark Ferris - who was miserable company throughout the weekend - complained about being dropped even though he hadn?t played for the Casuals for two years! We were stuffed 8-1 as the Bridgend team, and particularly their nippy striker who ran rings around Pilch, proved to be a bit too good for us. Payney was absolutely toilet and was dragged at half time in favour of Boyband, and Phil bagged our only goal from the spot.


On Saturday night Pilch?s tormenter followed him around telling him to get out of his pocket. Some of the lads got quite friendly with a pair of 16 year old girls, and took them back to their hotel room for a lesson in the anatomy of male genitalia ("touch it, and it will grow").


The Sunday match against Bryntirion Vets saw us record a 2-1 win thanks to a much better performance and two stunning goals from Rulo. The tour ended on a sour note for Catesy as his pulled his hamstring in the dying minutes of the game. That?s karma for you.



A highly eventful tour kicked off with a round of golf at the rain soaked St Mary?s Golf Course. Thursday night was Karaoke night in Codys - lit up by Rulo?s rendition of the Spandau Ballet classic Gold, Pilch?s ironic I?m too Sexy and the Comb singing Blurs Parklife which had the girls from Bridge FM highly excited. Spurred on by their invitation of performing on their radio show the next day, the Comb goes out and belts out another song (Lyyyyyin Eyes) which goes down like a lead balloon and they immediately cancel their invitation.
Comb isn?t the only one to get carried away as Bracky picks up a Welshman on the dancefloor and spins him round and round. A bouncer steps in and asks him to stop being such a twat, and he apologises profusely and shakes his hand but then returns to the dancefloor and repeats the trick 30 seconds later.
Several hours later a highly charged Bracky gets involved in a street brawl with a local mafioso and Buzz has to step in to save him from a right pasting. They are both nicked and cautioned for affray, spending a night in the Bridgend cells. Brack is detained until 5.30am when wins an arm wrestle with a copper to secure his release.
Friday afternoon is spent on Coed-y-Mwswr golf course where the lads bump into the legendary Jan Bekker.

GOLF WAR: Comb, Tezza, Rulo, Pilch, Savage, Payney
The Casuals congregate in the evening at the newly refurbished Wyndham Hotel where they don their claret tour T shirts bearing the legend "choose pride - choose passion - choose commitment". Phil isn?t best pleased with "THERAPIST" on the back of his shirt. After a curry the boys enjoy a lively night in the Litten Tree during which the Gaffers crab and the Brack swan dive are performed.
A late night visit to new lapdancing club Blue follows and the skint but perverted Comb splashes out on five dances. The night ends in Payneys room where the electrolysis treatment is showcased. Pilch particularly enjoys Grants close attentions telling him: "You have a very gentle touch."
After a much needed lie-in on Saturday morning we are couried up to Bryntirion FC in a minibus and face a Welsh XI.  We draw 2-2 with Catesy scoring a dramatic late curling equaliser.
The Wheel of Misfortune game is played in the bar and is a huge hit, particularly for Phil who enjoys dishing out loads of Gaffer slaps, much to the amazement of the onlooking Italians. A big Saturday night follows but the details are somewhat hazy.

OUCH: Comb gets Gaffer slapped

On Sunday morning we arrive at Bryntirion late and the busy Italians are already warming up. A very tired Casuals team lose 8-3 but no-one really cares as Phil?s short gimp arm is noticed for the first time, which caps a miserable weekend for Therapist.

The 2004 tour came hot on the heels of the Casuals first ever league and cup double and a squad of 20 made the trip over the Severn Bridge.
Scouse enforcer and Bridgend virgin John Skelly fagged it at the last minute (he later admitted to being genuinely frightened by the stories he had heard concerning the fate of previous virgins) but thankfully fellow first timers Hobbit, Geordie, Penfold, Stu Henderson, John Henry and Gav Wall proved far braver.
After an advance party had played a Friday afternoon round of golf in driving rain at St Marys the tourists gathered in the Wetherspoon for their traditional pre match curry and big Friday night.
With Dom leaving for a sailing holiday on Saturday morning and seven other crocked players forced to sit out the match the Casuals already faced an uphill task. Twelve fit players were quickly reduced to eleven after Pat Sharp lookalike Gav Wall was forced from the field after just ten minutes of action and faced with a team comprising the best youth players from miles around (who it later transpired had won the Welsh Youth League besting both Cardiff & Swansea) the much weakened Casuals were absolutely stuffed in a record 11-3 tour defeat. Thankfully for the second year running the Arabian Cup wasn?t at stake.
Star performers were the hapless Martin Chard who provides a more than passable impression of a headless chicken and "goalkeeper" Penfold who is clueless throughout and at one point faces the wrong way as the opposition score direct from a corner.
The boys are ferried back to Bryntirion in a minibus where Payney and Boyband host the "I?m a Casual Get Me Out Of Here" dartboard game. Cue left handed throwing and all manner of Casual related forfeits including A Day At The Races with Bracky, Beastenders and GrimeWatch which involves Danny the Comb appropriately carrying out the role of toilet monitor.

2004: I?m a Casual...the team photo

The Beer Bitch outfit consisting of a tiny golden thong and red bow tie is seen for first time and Lofty fills the role (if not the thong) beautifully and gets quite a reaction from the families gathering in the bar for a presentation evening.
The Hobbit gleefully snorts chilli powder but seconds later he is a real mess, not helped when someone tells him it could kill him. The Comb eventually lets him into the toilet to staunch the flow of blood from his nose before he passes out. It is a good job the Comb is the resident club expert on damaged noses.
LOFTY: Beer Bitch extraordinaire
The Gaffer dishes out a number of horsewhips, but saves his most violent lash for Griff who claimed to have nailed the Gaffers sister on the 2003 tour. Eventually the thoroughly miserable Bryntirion barman refuses to serve the lads with further alcohol which quickly results in a mass exodus.
By now the tour party has been reduced to human rubble but that doesn?t prevent another big night on the Bridgend tiles, an evening finished in style when a tired and emotional Steve Cates sets a Captains example when collapsing and having a dump as he lies semi-conscious in a town centre alley. Classy.
On the Sunday morning we returned to the Police ground and beat the Welsh Plod convincingly. The boys are no doubt motivated by seeing the Gaffer slap Buzz square in the chops pre-match after he tells him the team is doomed to defeat and there is no point in bothering to play. A worse for wear Buzz is so shocked he instantly soils himself in front of the lads. It is three years before he shows his face on tour again.
Following a much needed pub lunch the boys leave for home after a quite brilliant weekend.
2004 Tourists (20): Phil Malcolm, Michael Rootes, Danny Grimes, Grant Payne, Dom Edwards, Steve Cates, Stuart Richards, Gareth Griffiths, Martin Chard, Chris Wolsey, James Brack, Ian Hardy, Joe Maughan, Marc Burrow, Stu Henderson, John Henry, Sam Holder, Scott Mills, Dan Bennett, Gav Wall.

VIRGINS REVENGE: Carnage in the Bridgend Town clubhouse

THE Casuals won their 4th trophy of an incredible season in a Bridgend thunderstorm beating their hosts 3-1 to win the Arabian Cup. A man of the match performance from goalkeeper Lofty Wolsey kept Bridgend at bay while Sam Holder, John Skelly and an own goal later claimed by Joe Maughan gave the Casuals an unassailable lead.
Town scored a late consolation but thankfully the ref soon blew the final whistle as hypothermia began to set in. The Casuals played some decent football considering the big hangovers, huge hailstones and pond sized puddles that grew as the game went on.
Captain Michael Rootes collected the Arabian Cup from Chuck Norris and congratulated Lofty the Scarecrow who once again proved to be outstanding in his field. Lofty told the assembled throng of Bridgend dignitaries, "Thanks very much, I?m chuffed. I was wankered this morning!"
The Arabian Cup success was a great end to a monumental season but there is of course so much more to the tour....
On Thursday the early arrivals played a round of golf bathed in Welsh sunshine while Benno and the Horse downed 8 pints with the locals. A lively night in Cardiff followed with the Gaffers sister Mo and her boyfriend (who the Gaffer would certainly not approve of) in attendance.
Meanwhile the Gaffer was tucked up in bed at home in Ascot sweating out a fever, which is just as well for Sam Holder who shamed the proud traditions of the tour by bringing his bird Cath out with the lads. The love struck Hobbit and his missus sat holding hands and giggling before leaving early.
An impromptu toga party took place in Payney?s room before the lads finally settled down around 6am. Despite nursing some serious hangovers, the lads went Karting on Friday before finally welcoming the Gaffer who had successfully overcome his flu.
Friday night?s curry was followed by a crawl of some of Bridgend?s most salubrious nightspots, all of which were stunk out by the Hobbits stinkbombs. In Caseys live music bar a pungent bomb was poured down Gavs back and he parted the busy dancefloor like the red sea as clubbers reeled away from his foul stench. The bands lead singer asked the crowd: "Incidentally - whos farted?" The guitarist then quipped, "I must have played a bum note." The Casuals moved onto Codys where a valley girl threw up on Rod-o-Cops shoes as he chatted her up.

2005 Arabian Cup line up: This proved to be our last ever match at Coychurch Road

Saturday's post match games in the Bridgend Town clubhouse provided some of the undoubted highlights of the tour. All the tour virgins featured in the classic bar games: The Cyborg Saffa destroyed fat taff Picky in the sherbet n crackers and the Grumpy Battering Ram seemed to think he got off lightly in the wet blow football - however within minutes he was dressed as a nurse. Then Skelly nearly had his skull cracked open by the gay Bridgend physio in the spoons.
Payneys "Virgins Revenge" drinking game and its various forfeits, including the all new Beer Bitch nurses costume were a great success. The costume was donned by Comb, Stoker, the Gaffer, and Bridgend legend Animal, while Smoke the Hobbits pipe turned poor old Dom into a gibbering wreck.
Bracky drew the short straw when he went head to head with the Cyborg Saffa in Nipplepincher and came off the worse, although later that evening Rod casually admitted his nipples were bleeding.

At the Races with Bracky: Geordie and the Horse

Brack also had to down 5 bottles of Reef in quick succession during his "At the Races" challenges. The opportunity to dish out some gimp slaps proved to be a miracle cure for the Gaffers back seizure which amazingly healed within seconds. Ian Gearie pulled the final Ace out of the pack which meant the bald as a coot 28 year old Taff had to down half a pint of Dappy Bollax which he threw up within seconds. Another big night out in Bridgend followed but the details are somewhat hazy.
The Casuals somehow won the Sunday match 6-3 with goals from Skelly (2), Stoker (2), and 2 others
Despite warnings that Skelly would be Tour victim, there can be no doubt the biggest losers were Lofty and Penfold whose room was trashed and repeatedly stink-bombed. Better luck next year lads....

The Westminster Casuals? 14th Bridgend Tour began on Friday afternoon in promising style. An advance guard of the Gaffer, Fez and Payney arrived at about 3pm and were soon ensconced in the Wetherspoon bar. With Fez setting a tremendous drinking pace on his tour return it was soon clear the remainder of the day was going to prove very messy. 
The later arrivals of Geordie, Skel, Dom and Roborod completed a Friday night Magnificent Seven. As the Casuals crew rode into town they soon made their presence felt in Careys & Codys before reluctantly repairing to the local lapdancing club which had fortuitously just re-opened prior to their arrival. Formerly known as Blue but now called Lucindas the Casuals were soon putting their hard earned cash to good use - no one more so than a rampant Ferris. 
After shelling out on four dances, Fezs libido was at an all time high as he announced his intention to "shag a big fat minger". The dream quickly became reality as the Casuals shotstopper pulled a huge Welsh valley girl. Fezs neck showed some interesting evidence the next morning although he did find time to complain that "she refused to take it up the shitter." The romantic tryst apparently concluded with the beautiful couple sharing a joint bath - reports that Greenpeace were summoned to save two beached whales were furiously denied.   
The following morning the Casuals dragged themselves out of bed for an 11am kick off against local side Brynna in the Arabian Cup showdown.
With Bridgend Town FC unavailable the game took place on the astroturf at Pencoed School in brilliant sunshine and suffocating humidity. Rulo arrived just in time for the 11am kick off but with only eight players we still needed three non-Casuals to defend our Arabian Cup title.
The line up was:
1 Fez
2 Matt (Gaffers sisters boyfriend)
3 Barney (Taff)
4 Gaffer
5 Geordie
6 Skelly
7 Rulo
8 Harris (Taff)
9 Payney
10 Dom
11 Rod
Sub: Ray Jinhardon
Club Captain Dom was in no fit state to participate after his cider binge the previous evening so was put up front and told to stay out of the way. His mumbled mantra of "pass it easy to feeeeeet" continued throughout the game but he gave the ball away so often his teammates eventually stopped passing to him.
The Casuals went behind to an early goal but a stunning volleyed effort by Skelly levelled affairs. Brynna went ahead again when the Casuals defence thought the ball was running dead only to be punished as the electric opposition right winger retrieved it and crossed for a simple finish. Payney then equalized to leave the match evenly poised at half time although the Casuals were unlucky not to lead as Skelly hit the underside of the crossbar just before the break. 
Childs play
The visitors went ahead again as Van der Laan finished adroitly into the far corner. However the half time introduction of Animals tiny 12 year old son caused our tiring back four all sorts of problems, particularly the Gaffer who was ceremoniously nutmegged by the little lad just out of junior school. Brynna equalised via a fluked hooked cross but again the Casuals led as Payney expertly controlled a mishit shot and fired low into the net.
It seemed the Casuals didnt want to really win this contest as again the Brynna right winger squared things up at 4-4 after a mazy dribble which left Maughan trailing in his wake. The Casuals might have lost it in normal time but for a couple of great saves by Ferris who was very quick off his line - particularly given the fact he was playing on the back of two hours sleep. The final whistle arrived to the relief of all and it meant the Arabian Cup would be decided by penalties for the first time.
Payney equalized Brynnas first effort but Geordies poor attempt saw us fall behind. The Gaffer and Skel netted easily leaving Animal to try and bring the Cup back to Wales. He crashed his effort straight at Ferris and Rulos spot kick forced sudden death.
Yet another Brynna penalty was put past Fez with German-like efficiency before Harris the local lad who was playing for The Casuals stepped up. Surprise, surprise he didnt look too bothered as his shot was saved but he recovered himself just in time to stop himself joining in the Welsh celebrations.
This defeat saw the Casuals fall 7-6 behind in the Arabian Cup series.
Then it was off to the Three Horseshoes pub for the presentation which also saw the Animal family generously dish out limited edition Arabian Cup T shirts. We made short work of platefuls of chips and a vat of chilli before the much awaited bar games commenced.
The Casuals began with an easy victory in the boat race before the self elected Welsh chairman took over and hammered late arrival Boyband (hereto known as Bon Jovi) by ordering him to down several pints in quick succession.
Payneys Play your Casuals Right was a huge success thanks to Animals beautiful dolly dealing and some quite hideous forfeits such as giving Fez a toejob, and licking the Gaffers armpits.
Fez, Geordie, Rod, Bon Jovi & Payney all had stints as beer bitch in the fetching golden thong and red bow tie and both Geordie and the Gaffer were soundly horsewhipped. Dom failed to take the pace and disappeared to bed for the duration of the afternoon.

One final game was devised to see who would have to down the Worlds Worst Pint ever - Payneys stinking muddy pants in dappy bollox. The Gaffer drew the Joker and downed it in one, after which the pants were wrung out and he saw that off as well - incredibly without spewing.
Energised by this disgusting concoction the Gaffer won a Casuals danceoff despite being forcibly removed from the pool table by a bouncer whilst in the middle of a crabdance.
After a quick change the boys went out in town (except Fez who had completely capsized in his room) and the lads did well to shrug off the attentions of two minging valley girls, one of whom bore an uncanny resemblance to Jimmy Hill.
After a couple of hours in the hellhole that is Codys, the lads wound down in Lucindas. This is where Bon Jovi came into his own and created Casuals history by successfully pulling one of the lapdancers.
You Give Love A Bad Name
But rather than bring her back to the hotel for the boys he took her to the 115 a night Coed-y-Mystwr hotel, checked in (at 7am!) and drilled bareback for England. A subsequent text from his conquest read: "Ache all over after last night - wish I was dancing around the pole for you now."
Mercifully the Gaffer turned down a Sunday match and Bon Jovi made it back to the Wetherspoons for midday where it was farmhouse breakfasts all round before the touring party made their way home.


The Casuals 15th tour of Bridgend will go down in the annals of club history as the year of the Borat Mankini Dance Off.
Seventeen tourists including virgins Angry, Brainy and intrepid BBC reporter and Casuals supporter Dan Maestro Whitworth, made the trip. Payneeeees faggot mate Brokeback pulled out having witnessed the Casuals boozing at the Valley two weeks before.
The Gaffer, Rulo, Payney and Fez hacked their way around Coed-Y-Mwstwr on Friday afternoon. Its not many golf clubs that see you entertained in the clubhouse by a club member showing you footage of his favourite happy slappings on his mobile phone. This good friend of Jan Bekker then rang the Legend who was on a golf tour of Spain - sadly the last time the touring Casuals were ever to speak to Jan. However, after the four man advance party linked up with the early evening arrivals, they headed into Cardiff for a boozy night Bekker would have been proud of.
Fezs favourite line of "I know I?m a minger" went down remarkably well and nearly saw the fat lad claim his annual Welsh shag. The Hobbit was duly thrown out of the nightclub for misbehaving - only to return some two hours later via the kitchens. The Gaffer and Boyband almost came to blows but soon kissed and made up. 
Heads were still pounding on the Saturday morning when we dragged ourselves away from the quite horrible Days Inn hotel at Sarn Services for the Arabian Cup clash.
With the venue of tour legends, Coychurch Road home of Bridgend Town FC now bulldozed to make way for a superstore the game took place on the Pencoed Astroturf.
A somewhat younger and more sober Bridgend team clinched an 8-5 victory, partly due to their 12th man - a one eyed linesman who duly took his well deserved share of stick from the constantly moaning Payney. The Gaffer salvaged some pride with a two-goal salvo past Animal (his first brace in living memory for most of the team) but was cruelly denied a hat-trick by the aforesaid linesman. However, defeat failed to dampen the spirits as we headed for the main event in the Five Bells pub.
No sooner had we taken our seats in the pub replete in stunning blue tour T shirts that will last at least 2/3 seasons, it was announced the Maestro would be the first Beer Bitch and the look on his face when he was presented with the golden thong was a picture. A fair punishment for boring a number of lads about coping well with his standing start at Radio One.
The post match drinking began in traditional enough style with Brainy struggling through the sherbert and crackers and then Angry (wearing a fetching RULO 7 vest in honour of his hero) taking a pasting in the spoons.
The bleeping shot test - a true test of the competitors ability to absorb frothy lager from shot glasses an ever increasing speed as devised by Payney (who else) - had most of the lads spewing (most notably Buzz) before the not entirely unexpected virgins mutiny saw some legends have to take their place in the hot seat.

However all of this was just a precursor for the main act - The Casuals Mankini dance off!
Boyband and Geordie got the ball(s) rolling and after that there was no stopping Payney, Buzz, the Hobbit, Rosebud, Bridgend boys Gearie and Animal, the Robot and most memorably the Gaffer performing the crab - all with nothing but a slither of lime green spandex to spare their blushes - if thats possible?

Throw into the mix any number of horse whippings, spewings, stink bombs, beer bitches and the Stag Hitman in a leopardskin thong for the afternoons entirety (including the cab ride back to the hotel) and you have a potent cocktail of ridiculous drunken hilarity that could only occur in Bridgend.

The lookalikes were coming thick and fast all weekend: Jim Bowen, Denis Pennis, Billy Mitchell, Dot Cotton, Phil Mitchell, Chuck Norris, Chris Kamara, Tito Jackson, Barry Bulsara, Les Battersby, Dennis Waterman, David Guest, Maggot, Xabi Alonso and Jack Osbourne to name but a few.
On his last tour before returning to his native SA, Rod van der Laan raised a few eyebrows when he let slip he had been through Barnards new South African wife Kim but when word spread that Mrs Barnard has sampled Robot Cock he quickly tried to backtrack.
After a quick change at the hotel the boys first port of call on Saturday night was the strip club where the proprietor Lucinda made a beeline for the Hitman who escaped surprisingly lightly in the circumstances.
Later Skel tried his best to pull a bird whose husband had died two months previously (he was an electrician and got electrocuted while working on a metal ladder - he didnt realise it conducted electricity) but Brainys constant chat into her ear saw him crash and burn just like her hubby.
Another corking weekend in the Valleys!
2007 Tourists (17): Phil Malcolm, Michael Rootes, Grant Payne, Dom Edwards, John Skelly, Ian Hardy, Mark Ferris, Martin Chard, Joe Maughan, Rod van der Laan, James Brack, Marc Burrow, Sam Holder, Andy Barnett, Dave Brain, Dan Whitworth, Gareth Griffiths.

The 2009 Casuals tour will go down in the anals, sorry annals of club history as the most sexually depraved tour of all time. And thats saying something.
Incest? Sodomy? Whatever next?!
From the moment Chardy made the greatest tour entrance ever - casually reading a menu in the Wetherspoon bar wearing a casuals polo over a full gorilla suit just minutes after texting Payney to say he wouldnt be able to make it - the tone was set for the most ridiculous tour yet.
An advance party of golfers fought their way around Coed-y-Mwstwr in high winds before meeting up with other early arriving tourists in The Railway. Although it was only 6pm Brainy & Hobbit were already ridiculously drunk with the former ensuring that his fellow drinkers had already been expelled from one hostelry on account of his foul language.
Unfortunately neither the clubs resident misogynist or the tour stag re-appeared after a change of clothes back at the Wetherspoon, thereby curtailing their activity by 7.30pm on the Friday night - surely an all time tour record! Discussion was rife as to how the stag would pay for this display of weakness.
Despite this double blow the rest of the tour party did the pubs & clubs of Bridgend full justice. Meeting up with the entire Animal family in Codys only added to the colossal alcoholic consumption. The Ex Ex Gaffer treated the boys to a vintage rendition of the crab which led one local girl to ask virgin tourist Andy Thirsk "Is he alright??. When assured this was entirely normal behaviour she enquired as to the Crabmans age. The answer of 44 was met with a comment of "Oh fair play to him then".
However, this was a mere sideshow to the main talking point of the evening. One tourist, who (on legal advice) shall remain nameless, made his way back to a local girls Pencoed lair where he proceeded to engage in a protracted bout of anal sex. After a while the victim got bored and said "Cant we just do it normal?" The quick reply of "No" completely disregarded her lack of consent and thereby the clubs first anal rapist earned his spurs. The phrase "Do it normal" quickly became the watchword of the weekend. 
Some seriously sore heads on Saturday morning did not bode well for the match ahead. Brainy, by this stage as fresh as a daisy after 14 hours sleep found himself dropped to the bench as payback for his disappearance the previous night - possibly not one of the Ex Ex Gaffers greatest tactical decisions. The Arabian Cup was retired and replaced by the specially commissioned Jan Bekker Trophy in recognition of the legend who made a unique contribution to so many Bridgend tours before sadly passing away on Boxing Day 2007.
Despite the impressive surroundings of Bryntirion FC - hosting the tour match for the first time in six years - the Casuals found themselves three goals down after 15 minutes - the third a comedy of errors which involved Fez blasting a clearance against one of his own defenders only to see the ball rebound into his own net.
The Ex Ex Gaffer had substituted himself after 10 minutes of agony but found himself forced to don the gloves as Fez was forced from the field by a mixture of injury and damaged pride. In soaring midday temperatures the tourists somehow clawed their way back into the game courtesy of a superb Hobbit hat-trick which went some way to redeeming his reputation.
The Casuals looked the likely winners but couldnt notch the clincher and the winners would be decided by penalty shoot out as opposed to extra time (not the most popular option).
Not for the first time the English proved pretty hopeless from 12 yards as bad misses from Rulo and Payney gifted the trophy to the Taffs.

As soon as the shoot-out was concluded attention turned to the Tour Stag. The Hobbit was wrestled to the ground and clearly thought the much speculated on "Hang The Hobbit" had finally arrived. After being pinned down and frightened beyond belief the lads decided to let the little man off the hook - a message that hadnt made its way to Payney. By now stripped to his underpants, Payney wrenched the Stag across the whole width of the goalmouth on his back in a lurid display of homo-erotica. Only when the Hobbit was completely naked, utterly compliant and his underwear shredded did Grants lust finally abate.   
After a plate of curry & chips and one permitted soft drink the Casuals were back on the booze and ready for the traditional bar games. The various challenges - which included a welcome return of old tour favourite wibbly wobbly - got more and more bizarre the longer the afternoon wore on.
Skels mate Nico got done on the blow football. Poor Russ nearly had his lemon skull cracked open in the spoons but his head felt much better when he saw his beloved Gillingham win their Division Two Play Off Final on the big screen with the last kick of the game. Despite his undoubted intelligence Russ probably took longer than any previous tourist to actually work out the methodology behind the spoons.
The bar highlight was the introduction of Cool Hand Puke - dreamt up by the two Ex-Gaffers the night before. Based on Paul Newmans famous role in Cool Hand Luke the challenge was to eat five sweaty hard boiled eggs (produced by Mrs Animal) in succession followed by a mucky drink. Virgin tourist Dan Little struggled abysmally as he was taken to the cleaners by a 15 year old but the Tour Stag redeemed the Casuals honour when reducing Bridgend Legend Ian Gearie to a puking mess - not the first time Geezer has suffered this fate at the Casuals hands. The Hobbit showboated to victory by throwing his final egg high in the air before adroitly catching it in his mouth.
Thirsky narrowly lost the half yard of ale challenge before Geordie won his head-to-head as expected. As the afternoon wore on the lads got more and more sloshed - not helped by countless downing of pints - a forfeit for having the dreaded eyeball dropped into your glass.
A number of costumes added to all round silliness with the customary Beer Bitch golden thong accompanied by a swimmer in speedos cap and goggles, the dreaded mankini and worst of all Payneees horribly soiled pants - which Russ proudly sported as a bandana during the spoons.
The games moved outside into the blazing sun and after hilarious scenes during wibbly wobbly - a game first introduced to the tour by Nicky Markham in 1994 - the wacky races began as the 30 year old Maestro challenged the 44 year old Ex Ex Gaffer to a box to box sprint. The Bridgend born crabman did his hometown proud as he outran his younger competitor to win by a pincer. Sadly for Phil his victory was overshadowed somewhat by cameraman Chardys comedy fall as he tried to keep up with the race and instead wrecked Skellys digital camera as he hit the deck.
The virgin tourists then all took part in a race in various states of undress which was won comfortably by Russ replete in speedos. Whether hes in spikes or swimming gear its the same difference to him.   
The afternoon culminated with the Tours greatest ever puke as the Maestro chucked his guts up for what seemed like about ten minutes. And how could we not mention the bird behind the bar with the pneumatic breasts. Wow.
Saturday night was a bit of a blur. The much heralded Apprentice drinking game apparently happened and seemed to consist of strange coloured drinks and Cadburys Cream Eggs but will be best remembered for some rampant sowing of Casuals oats and some outrageous dancefloor urination.
The Sunday match was nothing short of an ordeal on a sloping sheep field in the baking heat. The early Sunday morning unannounced departures of Club captain John Skelly along with Ollie and Brainy was nothing short of a disgrace and left the tourists with the bare eleven. The first half witnessed Rulos worst ever performance on a football field and it was no surprise as the tourists succumbed to a 5-0 defeat. 
The post match mini bus trip from the pitch to the pub along the picturesque coastal road amazed tour veterans who had never seen anything in Bridgend outside the high street and the football club! A hugely satisfying pub lunch and one final pint set the seal on another fantastic tour. 
Now check out the videos are on You Tube! 
Tourists (16): Phil Malcolm, Michael Rootes, Grant Payne, Martin Chard, Joe Maughan, Sam Holder, Ian Hardy, John Skelly, Mark Ferris, Dave Brain, Ollie Harker-Smith, Russell Hughes, Dan Little, Andy Thirsk, Dan Whitworth, Nico (Skel?s mate)


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