Casuals Leg-ends - Famous ex-players
Casuals Leg-ends - Famous ex-players

 

 
The Diary of Sam the Hobbit
 
 
12 October 2012
 
Dear Diary
 
Shame to see so many teams dropping out of the league. It'll be like the SPL soon at this rate. Lucan reckons we should play each team 4 times. Not sure I agree with that one but at least his appearances could get into double figures.
 
Congrats to Young Dave for passing the 100 game milestone. Yes, he may post gay messages on Facebook, be teetotal, support Man Utd, mince the tour more times than the Comb etc but he's been in top form this season pushing me out to left wing and scoring some vital goals. Great attitude too - he spent weeks on the bench in the lost year and never moaned. Just shows that if you stick it out you'll get your chance.
 
Felt sorry for Welsh when he got a straight red for calling the ref a plonker. The paperwork was hilarious. Sadly the new Surrey FA rules prevent any appeal even if they were laughing about it. Luckily, Rob is London's worst accountant and decided to pay £100 into the Tupperware box as recompense.
 
Just as well we replaced the Toff as club secretary with the Baby Gaffer.
Poor old Toff nearly got roped into being on the league committee. His reply of having to work late didn't wash with Hemmings et al. "Nibbles provided for those who work late". Can you imagine?
 
Let's hope Baby Gaffer doesn't get blown up in Afghanistan. We're all concerned because he's not got the pace to get away from a suicide bomber. At least the next Casuals whip wouldn't be decimated by Sambuca.
 
Well done to Swampy for helping us out on Saturday and it's great to have a drug dealer back in the squad. The Hobbit pipe has been dry for too many years now.
 
Talking of Lushy, hadn't heard from him since the Fulham D game until he begged me to ask his hero Gareth Wyn for a ticket to Cream. Off to watch the Rollin Stoned with Griffo on Sat. Still hoping Griffo might change genres. He may well DJ in front of 10,000 people but that dance stuff really is sh1te.
 
Big win on the dogs last Saturday. Shame it was all spent on Sambuca. I vaguely remember doing a dart at midnight and the next moment being woken on the sofa by Mrs Hobbit at 6.30am. Clearly getting too old for all this.
 
Congratulations to Hernia for getting POY. He's been phenomenal since he joined the Casuals and absolute pleasure to play with. It was amusing when that useless midfielder from P'town tried to grab his collar last week after Grant had robbed him of possession the umpteen time. Hernia also deserves a special mention for surviving the Bridgend tour as Fez's roommate. I took the safe option of a threesome with Payneeeeeeeeeeee and the Casuals Godfather. Yes, they may be mad but I knew they'd be in bed by 10pm. Simples!
 
By the way, if you're actually reading this rubbish and want one of those Meercat toys let me know. The neighbours in Barbados own a sweatshop in China that just made 200,000 of them for all those mugs that take out those insurance policies.
 
Congratulations to Stoker and Carmen for tying the knot last month.
Fantastic day and great to catch up with all the ex Worcester Casuals.
Bracky and Gav got a bit overexcited and ripped each others shirts off and Barnyard rolled the years back with his sweaty dancing. Late night negotiations with Griffo to DJ collapsed when he demanded £5K cash upfront.
 
Saw a mouse in my kitchen last night. Luckily Penfold is still under contract at the office so I'll get some poison off him. Rumour has it ex Casuals goalkeeper Lofty used to eat that poison in the 2008/09 season.
 
I was disappointed to only score 63% in the Toff Test. I heard Brainy was into the high 90s.
 
My brother Guy has taken up boxing so I went to watch one of his fights at the Ring a few weeks ago. He was fighting some Swedish bloke called Robin and I got a few funny looks after shouting Robin the Rapist at him. Unfortunately, his mates were all stood behind me but I managed to avoid any real consternation and Guy gave him a bit of a beating. Well done brother Hobbit.
 
Anyway got to go, off to Greenwich to see my old mate Skel and the Ruski and need to burgle my neighbour Nick Easter before he flies home.
 
 
 
Tuesday 12 April 2011        

Dear Hobbit Diary
 
Nearly a year has passed since my last entry. Almost as long as my recent goal drought!
 
But I?ve scored 3 in the last 3 games and now just 2 behind Baby Gaffer in the race for the Goalden Boot.
 
Saw poor old Dennis from Godstone last week. He?s a bit low at the moment. Not only is he now clinically obese, Godstone are dropping down a few divisions next season. I managed to get another invite to his annual Upton Park 6-a-side tournament but he?s banned all Casuals after we romped to victory last year. It didn?t help that Ollie wore his Casuals training top all evening.
 
Chelsea FS have just employed an ex head boy from Millfield. Was hoping he?d be a handy footballer but sadly not. He?s a lot posher than Ollie I suppose but at least Ollie can play football a bit.

Was late for the game on Saturday at Old Plymouthians because as I was having a cup of tea with my new best mate and neighbour England 6 Nations Captain Nick Easter. He?ll be in for a shock when I post the raffle tickets through his door next week.

Great to have Ralphy back involved. Shame that we had to resort to burgling his house but he should have known better than to try and leave the Casuals. Ralphy seemed to be our most normal goalkeeper in years too. With Ralphy and Fez now both available and Matt the Rat back on the radar we?re in a strong position. The days of the Gaffer in goal wearing Angry?s gardening gloves should be a thing of the past.
 
What an up and down season it?s been - the low point must have been against Lightwater in the County Cup when fielded a team with an average age of 47. To quote Catesy "the sad thing was, I wasn?t even the fattest person on the pitch.?

Lushy was very excited to find out ex Casual Griffo is a famous DJ. Poor old Griffo (or Gareth Wyn as he?s known in the industry) gets no praise from his mates but he?s turning into a bit of a star. If he?s not careful he?ll be the clubs next financier.

It?s all go at the Casuals as always. Getting the lads to the ground is always a challenge - with Charlie, Macca and Lushy using public transport anything can happen and the less said about the Gaffer?s sense of direction the better. I can?t believe that no one wants to get a lift with me these days. Nico even bought me a Sat Nav last year. Zola had the right attitude in taking the 85 bus to the big Asda. Shame the Gaffer didn?t want to pick him because he thinks there?s already too many dwarfs in the team.

Was sorry to see Ian the groundsman leave RE. Rumour has it he?ll be retiring in a few years after the bungs we gave him every week. His eyes lit up when he saw the tupperware box.
 
Had a rare night out with a few of the Casuals last month (married life and a baby does change things somewhat). We ended up in some poncy bar in Clapham. It was full of the usual ?Clapham wankers? and checked shirts but quite a funny night especially when Dan Little?s bird turned up.
 
Pleased to see Bracky out with the Casuals again not so long ago. The usual chaotic night. Taxis all around London, couple of scraps, Aston Villa player Ashley Young signing ?fuck off? on his chest when Bracky kept asking him for an autograph, and the night ended with him walking around Dulstan on his own at 6am looking for somewhere to go. How we all miss the Horse.

According to Rulo, Danny Nelson is club legend. Now Rulo I know you want people to attend the anniversary game but a player who lost his place in the team to a Hobbit can never be a club legend! He also ignored my text messages for the 2007/08 season when I tried to get him out of retirement.

Was good to get my annual text message from Payneeeee about the forthcoming Bridgend (one word) tour. Now Payneeee really is a club legend.

Great to have Welsh Rob back involved after his broken collarbone. What a character he is. Feels like he?s been around for years but he?s only played 8 games. Is it me or is he a dead ringer for Sebastian Vettel?

Did I mention that Nick Easter is my new next door neighbour?
 
 
 
Thursday 13 May 2010
 
Dear Hobbit Diary
 
Fantastic night on 4th May and a deserved victory. Whilst Tooting had their chances at towards the end we should have been 3-0 up after 20 mins.
 
That was some free kick from Rulo not least because he managed to stop Young Dave from taking it. What a performance from the Angry man too - hailed as MOM by the Casuals crowd. Well done Angry man - shame he?s buggering off up North with your lottery winnings.
 
Big thanks to all of our supporters who made a massive difference on the sidelines. All the WAGs and ex Casuals Stoker, Barnard, Griffo, Gav, Paynee, Crabman and Joycey and of course Darnsie for travelling down from the Shire. Maestro was easily the loudest person in Surrey that night using his radio skills to full effect. If he plays his cards right Lurch could get him a job on Topps Tiles Radio.
 
For some reason some of the lads think I?m a Toff. No idea why when I grew up a garden shed in the Forest of Dean. Anyway, off for dinner at the Cliveden tonight - holds the record for the world?s most expensive sandwich - might get a takeaway for tomorrow lunchtime. XXX Gaffer will probably know of this place as it was the home of Nazi sympathisers the Cliveden sect back in the 1930s and the the odd political scandal over the years.
 
Obviously, I?m delighted to have won the goalden boot again. Poor old Skel thinks he?s won it but, as we all know, penalties are excluded. I hope the Grumpy Hitman hits 200 goals soon but it?s looking increasingly unlikely. At least he?s always willing to put the nets up.
 
Excellent end of season party on Saturday and a few amusing incidents along the way. Expect nothing else from a Casuals night out.
 
Congratulations to the Horse for winning the cup with the Vine on Tuesday night. Apparently my old mate Buzz ran the show - he?ll always be my footballing hero!
 
 
 
Friday 12 March 2010
 
Dear Hobbit Diary
 
Fantastic performance against Triangle on Saturday and good to get a winning run going. We?ve come up short against the top teams in the league so it was crucial to get the win. After the disaster that was Puretown and Croygas we could have been down and out so credit to the lads for showing that we are a good team. Also good to see us win with some dignity - nothing worse than an opponent who intentionally over celebrates. Bizarre to think that Triangle tried to merge with us pre season - thank the Gaffer?s gimp arm that didn?t happen.
 
Paid the price of having a few Polish builders in recently. After ripping our bathroom out they went missing for a few days. Mrs Hobbit refused to urinate in the kitchen sink so we had to move in with my uncle and auntie for a while.
 
I was as surprised as anyone when Mrs Hobbit told me she was pregnant on Christmas Eve. Delighted of course but didn?t really expect this so soon
- I wouldn?t have put all my money in penny shares had I known I might have to start being financially responsible. Hopefully we??l have another Casuals night out at the dogs soon. The due date is August so the worst case scenario is that I?ll miss just one pre season training session - take note Hitman, Stroudy and Rulo!
 
Got a rocket off my uncle this morning. He kept badgering me for share tips so I have him Norseman Gold and Akers Biosciences. Sadly Norseman bombed 18% this morning and he lost £2k. He put the share certificate on the board at work. Conveniently he didn?t mention the £10K I made him on Yell, £6K on Bowleven and £3K in Portland Gas recently. Such short memories these people. I got my own back when his printer broke and I replaced it with a cheap £40 thing from PC World. He usually buys his stationary from Hermes where paper clips cost £175 and note pad holders £200 (paper not included) so he wasn?t very unimpressed. Never a dull moment at CFS.
 
The office is still infested with mice and haven?t seen that Penfold bloke in a while. If things don?t improve I?ll have to replace him someone more reliable such as Lofty.
 
Well done to my Casuals supporting boss (and future club financier) Darius McDermott who was voted IFA of the year last week. He doesn?t know it yet but a sponsorship deal is being drawn up. Can?t believe I didn?t win the award but apparently putting all my clients into Russian equities is not the done thing.
 
 
I saw another Casuals fan Barney last week, his acting career is still in the balance but he is available for Westminster Casuals The Musical. I wish Rulo would pull his finger out and write the script. Russell has already sorted the O2 arena and if a paedophile can sell out the arena I?m sure the Casuals will have no problems.
 
Great to have Dan ?The Chemist? at training on Thursday. Now he?s cut back on the narcotics he?s looking sharp and would be great to have back in the squad. His big money transfer from Singapore is in the early stages but I?m confident he?ll sign on.
 
I felt a bit old at recent gig at the KoKo club. All the fans where wearing Skelly type shirts and black glasses. Thought the band might be in 3-D so asked someone where you get the glasses from. He said Tesco but I think he was taking the piss.
 
Bye for now. Can?t wait for the raffle tomorrow.

Thursday 22 October
 
Dear Diary
 
Losing my wedding ring at the Oval after my return from Honeymoon was a bit of a pain and expensive too. Sorry Mrs Hobbit I didn?t mean to lose it! I blame the host and former England cricketer John Emburey - was chatting to the old git for about 15 mins and had no idea who he was. Think he thought I was a bit of a drunk idiot anyway.
 
Playing croquet with a bunch of toffs in Hurlingham was probably my low point over the last few months. Getting through to the semis was no consolation after losing to some twat journalist. Still, my partner was female so it was a miracle to get that far and I had a piss on the posh grass tennis courts.
 
Well done to Ollie for picking up the 2008/09 Player?s Player of the Year and Manager?s Player of the Year. The Toff has been outstanding since he joined the Casuals and is without doubt the best defender and arguably player in the league. Shame he?s too unfit to play in midfield eh?
 
Taking the Goalden boot from the Hitman was rather surreal moment. 8 goals for top scorer? The Hitman once scored 8 in one game - still we were playing a bunch of delinquents. Those were the days.
 
Been a great start to the season and well done to John Skelly for all of his effort, communication and organisation. We?ve even attended a league meeting - whatever next?
 
Skelly has not got an easy job and with so many players to choose from it?s even more difficult for him. Credit to Russell, Rob and Graham for their fantastic attitudes and patience. It?s a long season and if they stick with it they?ll get plenty of football. Who?d have thought we?d ever have two quality goalkeepers to choose from as well? Green Giant or the Saffa ? what a conundrum!
 
Had the XXX Gaffer and current Gaffer around the Hobbit?s house last Saturday for a mince. Turned into a bit of a sesh - the Ruski drank me out of Champers!
 
Took my Uncle out for dinner last week to ToTos in Chelski and, for the first time ever, I offered to pay the bill. £304! Could buy a lot of rat burgers in the Oak for that.
 
Had to miss training last week to entertain some journalists in a darts competition - what a bunch of scroungers they are. Never seen a journo at a bar. After about ten pints of Guinness I started hurling darts around the boozer but I don?t think I injured anyone. Someone cycled home - no taxis at CFS during the credit crunch.
 
Met ex Casual Pilch last week. An expert on Russia if there ever was one. Good old Pilch talked for a solid 2 hours and my boss Darius didn?t get a word in - very unusual!
 
Had a meal at that Blumenthal?s place in Bray at the beginning of the month. Bit of a trek to get to and I got a funny look when I asked the waitress if baldy was in the kitchen - no sense of humour these people.
 
One of the girls saw a mouse in our office so I rang Penfold the rat catcher. Good old Penfold put down several traps and bait and promptly gave me a bill for £600. Expensive mouse.
 
Fabio Capello?s driver keeps parking outside the front door whilst Capello watches Chelski. We?ve spotted him a few times and so I?ll do my best to get something from the Casuals raffle off him - maybe his Breitling watch?
 
 
21 July 2009
 
Few highlights of the Hobbit Summer:
 
Surviving the infamous Bridgend tour. Another excellent weekend in the shit hole that is Bridgend. The weekend was always going to be a bit messy drinking 3 glasses of champagne before leaving work at noon. After a booze fuelled train journey with Brainy and the Toff I was safely tucked up in bed by 8pm (after thrashing the Gaffer at pool I might add). I was so drunk I booked two rooms I think. At least I didn?t get raped by Geordie in the middle of the night I suppose. I was expecting to be tarred with bitumen, feathered and then hung from the cross bar.
 
Getting off scott free on my stag do was a surprise too. As was Rulo beating the European pool champion with a trick shot on the black. What a player.
 
Losing the annual Upton Park 5-a-side tournament in the final was disappointing. Having cruised through to the final we lost 1-0 after I gave away a penalty for walking in the box. Still, at least I didn?t get sent off this time. Skelly should have scored in the final but decided to hit the bar from 20 yards instead.
 
Playing a bit of Bully with Jim Bowen was a laugh. I couldn?t organise it as a Casuals event because there were too many work people there. I had to go up and throw a dart and hit 1. Jim said "That will do!" Poor Jim is a bit old and forgetful these days and kept getting the questions wrong. We heckled him about a speed boat and he got a bit narked saying "Don?t take the piss out of my show!? Sadly, we didn?t win a prize because my team mate didn?t know the name of the family in that rubbish TV programme Bread.
 
The Casuals player recruitment drive is going well and we have excellent numbers for pre season. To quote John Skelly "I don?t want to hear the words bare bones ever again." We lost so many games last season because of poor numbers and people playing out of position (we had to play Ian upfront all season - ridiculous) and with better numbers we?ll be so much stronger.
 
Had some good days at the cricket. Former England captain John Embury was hosting a box I was in but I had no idea who he was. My uncle got thrown out for throwing champagne in there a few years ago so I had to be on best behaviour.
 
Good to see all the Casuals have been keeping the socials going throughout the summer. Even Boyband was out a few weeks back (I don?t think I?ve ever seen him outside of Bridgend before).
 
Club finances are a bit of a concern and even the Casuals have not been immune to the economic downturn. Sadly, our convenient deal with RE has expired and we have no Nivea for Men kits to sell. Heaven forbid, the dreaded Casuals raffle may have to come out a bit early this year.
 
Much of my summer has involved chasing Lofty for non payment of fines and organising a wedding. Both daunting tasks. Shame that the Rat Catcher has gone dark on us again - he really can be a bit of a pain.
 
Look forward to seeing everyone at pre season. Payneeee and his pants always put on a good session and it will be good to see all the lads again. Rumour has it Tom and Morts are available for the Deaf game - great news.
 
 
22 January 2009
 
Dear Diary
 
Staff Christmas party was carnage as usual. Starting on the Irish coffees at 10am, champagne at 11am and were down to Montpeliano (posh restaurant in Knightsbridge) for lunch. After drinking a load of Limoncello we moved onto the local pub and casino. One of my colleagues (mentioning no names) lost a rather large sum - whoops. Went back to our local the Pelican and had a lock in with the staff. Next thing I knew I woke up on the floor at 7am with a load of missed calls from Cathy. Was very relieved that our game against Wandgas was called off!
 
Have since found that the restaurant has had a rat infestation. Will get them to give Lofty a call...
 
The postponement of Fulham v Blackburn was a surprise. Thought it a bit
odd when Paul Robinson walked past me in Bishops Park whilst I was
walking to the ground. He?s not much bigger than me, which was a surprise - no
wonder he lets in so many goals.
 
Had a good time skiing with some of the ex Casuals last week. Griffo and
his bird Helen, Razor, Benni Stoker, Dan Bennett (The Chemist) and
Miranda all in attendance. Managed to upset the hotel owners by having a
snow ball fight which resulted in a few snow balls flying into her
computer. Thought she was going to send us down to the cellar at one point.
 
Got lost a few times on the slopes by taking the wrong turns. Ended up
the other side of the mountain once and had to catch a bus back to the
resort. Had no idea where I was and as it was getting dark I just jumped
on the nearest bus and eventually got back. The lads skied down the
Harakiri (the steepest slope in Austria) after drinking a load of
Gluvine at lunchtime. They all safely made it to the bottom but it was a
bit dangerous. Other than that it was a fairly tame affair. Were all so
knackered after the skiing we only had a few late nights - must be
getting old.
 
The entire world continues to go into meltdown, banks are collapsing,
the pound is worth less than the Euro, businesses everywhere are
crashing but to combat it all the Casuals have not increased the match
fees - that should help stimulate the economy! My favourite credit
crunch joke (which you have probably heard) is that Pedigree Chum has
gone bust - they have had to call in the retrievers. Boom boom.
 
 
Thursday 8 Jan 2009
 
Happy New Year!!
 
I have successfully negotiated sausages as well as chips for 31st Jan!
 
No fish fingers sadly. Geordie has promised to down a yard of ale in the Oak and is aiming to beat his 14 second record.
 
As incentive to sell more raffle tickets Big Rob has kindly donated his leather jacket to the prize list and Skelly?s Christmas jumper is also in the mix.
 
There is also a beer festival in Battersea on 12th Feb so we could go there after training if anyone?s up for it. Stoker went there last year and had a load of beers with a bunch of urban farmers.
 
Finally, the Westminster Casuals spies have discovered that our Irish follower JP is an extremely talented musician and vocalist. He will be in England again for a short while and will be demonstrating his talents in the Oak soon!
 
Monday 1 December 2008
 
Dear Diary
 
With the free weekend I went back to the Shire last week to see Gandolph and played for the local village team. Had forgotten how rough football is in those parts. Challenges fly in from all angles. There was a photographer there and I ended in up in the local rag - The Forester!
 
Copy on its way to the Casual.
 
Shame that the game was called off on Saturday especially as we had such a strong squad. I think Rulo should have forked the pitch, with it being so local. Looking forward to the League Cup encounter - would be good to get a cup run going.
 
With the game off, Benni Stoker and I decided to go on a stink bombing pub crawl around Battersea and Clapham. We let off 15 in total and managed to clear the Slug & Lettuce, The Goat and parts of The Northcote. No one in The Falcon seemed to notice however. We ended the evening by getting thrown out of Nandos.
 
Went to watch the Chelsea v Arsenal game at Stamford Bridge yesterday with Cathy and my Uncle. We were sat in the Chelsea end and my Uncle jumped up when Van Persie scored and then spent the next half an hour shouting Deco is shite, Bollock at Ballack, and "come on, come on, come on" very quickly every time Arsenal attacked - and he doesn?t even support them.
 
He also kept asking the Chelsea fans where they were going when they were leaving early. Was lucky to get out of there alive. No one in their right mind would want to sit next to him at a football match. He sat in the box next door to Roman two years ago and he went berserk when Blackburn scored prompting the stewards to come into the box and tell him to keep quiet.
 
He also got thrown out of the Oval during the Ashes finale for throwing champagne over some Aussies.
 
Cathy took me out to watch 39 steps at the Criterion Theatre last week. Very entertaining, sneaked into the box for the second half performance - always a good trick. If you just sit there and try to look important no one will question you.
 
Til next time
 
Hob
 
 
14 November 2008
 
Dear Diary
 
Good to finally present the 2007/08 Awards last Saturday. Think everyone agreed that Skelly deserved to pick up the awards and well done to Lofty for winning the James Brack Individual Achievement Award. Not easy to win considering the rabble that is the Westminster Casuals. Things were always going to get messy after Geordie downed a can of Tennets Super (an old favourite with tramps worldwide) and he was perfectly poised to lose a fortune at the dogs. Infernos was as grotty as always but good fun nonetheless. Will take my Hobbit Diary Hip flask with me next time after spending all the Casuals subs on a few shots. The rotter from the Apprentice certainly took a shine to Oliver but he was able to resist the temptation. I tried to help out by smashing a stink bomb at her feet and although everyone else legged it she just carried on dancing with Geordie.
 
Had a few drinks with ex Casuals Gav, Stoker and Barnyard on Tuesday.
Stoker is planning his comeback next month after recovering from his knee operation. Gav is growing a moustache for some strange reason.
 

HITLER-ESQUE: Gav Wall?s tashe

Went to the Grosvenor last Wednesday for a black tie do with work.
Things were always going to get messy after drinking 3 pints of Abbot Ale at lunchtime. Started off at the top of the Park Lane where we had a free bar and eventually staggered up the road for the dinner. Frankie Boyle was presenting but I was already half cut by the time I got there.
Can?t really remember a lot but ended up in the Dover Street Wine bar and then spewed up outside the Ritz. Got a cab back home and crawled into the flat and fell asleep on the landing. Cathy tried to wake me up and thought I?d been stabbed until she realised it was red wine. She couldn?t move me so just left me there after I kept trying to kick her apparently? Didn?t get into the office until 11am and then fell asleep for 2 hours in the staff room. The worse thing was I had to go to training in the evening to meet our new signing Rob. Glad I did as he looks a quality player.
 
Found a great new pub in Chelsea called the Fox & Pheasant. It?s full of local alcoholics and has a dart board. Good atmosphere and everyone plays killer on the dart board. Went in there for a couple after work and ended up playing with about 20 other people. One of the locals is Will Brooks who designed the Ebbsfleet football club model so had a long chat to him. Told them all about the Casuals so who knows what could happen. Doesn?t look as if the Russians are interested in taking us over so all avenues must be explored. The Casuals has of course always been a bit of a dictatorship so not sure if the powers that be would be happy with a democracy.
 
Congratulations to Buzz (remember him?) who tied the knot on 26th September. Sadly I got stuck on the M4 for 12 hours so missed the wedding. Finally got to Worcester at 11:50pm so was at least able to have a drink for 10 minutes. I missed the Horses? impromptu best man speech unfortunately.
 
Bridgend tourist?s Gav?s 30th birthday celebrations were a messy affair at the medieval banquet in St Katherines Dock. We managed to upset nearly everybody in there by throwing loads of bread at our fellow guests and the performers. The Horse caused some heated consternation when shouting ?boring? at the performers. Gav?s birthday cake also ended up all over the walls!
 
Pleased that we managed to get ourselves a changing room at Richardson Evans. That Hitler Youth lot (Puretown) almost stole it from under our noses. What?s going on here?
 
Interesting to see that the code names used by the US Secret Service for Barack Obama?s family have been leaked to the press. One of his daughter?s is known as Rosebud. Now where have we heard that name before?
 
 
 
1 August 2008
 
I decided to pop the question to Mrs Hobbit (Cathy) a couple of weeks ago. I took her out to Bar Vertigo near Bank station, which is a posh bar with panoramic views of London. We went there on our first date many years ago so I thought that it would be an appropriate place. She said yes amazingly - whatever next? The only problem now is that I now have to have a stag do apparently - I don?t think that I?ll survive.
 
We were house sitting at my Uncle?s millionaire pad at the weekend. He lives opposite Craven Cottage in (probably) the biggest house in Fulham.
 
He said that we could invite a few friends over for drinks so I took him up on his offer. I didn?t, however, tell him that I invited 26 people over on Saturday night. I think I got away with it by hiding all the bin bags of booze up the street but hoping the neighbours don?t say anything. I was going to invite the Casuals over but I thought better of it - can?t think why?
 
So no more Payneeeeeee? What can I say? Probably the best player most of the Casuals have had the pleasure to have played with and also one of the most colourful characters. He will be sorely missed both on and off the field and it will be very difficult to fill his pants.
 
He says that he still plans to play occasionally and will be available when we are short so - as Brainy pointed out at training - he?ll be down every week! I know that he was upset that we lost his pants at the Casuals Reunited game but I wasn?t expecting his resignation.
 
My old dear turned 60 last week so took her out for the weekend in London. We went to Chez Bruce in Wandsworth for lunch, which is an excellent 2 Michelin Star restaurant (founded by that miserable Pierre White bloke). It?s not too expensive as they do a set lunch menu but they do sting you on the wine. Managed to split the bill with my notoriously frugal brother so it wasn?t too damaging to the purse strings. We went to see a weird play at The Young Vic afterwards called Street Scene. The Senior Hobbits seemed to enjoy it but I wasn?t so keen. The highlight for me was sitting next to Alistair McGowen who ate ice cream throughout the performance.
 
I got attacked by a drunken bloke on the way to work last Monday. I was cycling along the pavement on the Beach Cruiser through Wandsworth, terrorising the pedestrians as usual, but this bloke and his homies took exception and tried to push me off my bike. I gave him a whack back and things were about to get a bit fruity but then the cops pulled up from nowhere. They told me to carry on cycling to work and then proceeded to question the other bloke. I?m beginning to like the police.
 
Had a step back to the 70s last Tuesday at a gig in Shepherds Bush. Went to see the ?Band of Horses? who are a sort of American folkie group - I?d never seen so many beards. Found a good bar afterwards called Ginglik (www.ginglik.co.uk <http://www.ginglik.co.uk/>) which is in a former Victorian toilet! That really tall bloke from the office (Goggles or something?) was in there - he reminded me of my mentor Gandolf the Great.
 
Stoker went under the knife on Wednesday to have a knee operation. Would like to wish him a speedy recovery. He?ll be joining Barnyard on crutches for a while so perhaps they could come down and be goalposts and next weeks training session?
 
In a world of abbreviations, poor grammar and spelling mistakes now could be the time to improve your vocabulary. Visit http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday and you will be e-mailed a ?word a day?. I?ve even come across a few of the words the (ex ex) Gaffer used in his team talks.
 
2 July 2008
 
Dear Diary
 
Glastonbury was good fun this year. The weather was atrocious on the Friday and Griffo (who had been looking forward to it more than anyone) decided to go home! I thought he was winding me up but after last year he didn?t fancy another weekend in the mud. When the lads asked where he was I told them that he had gone home but they didn?t believe me. Sadly for Griffo the weather turned and the rest of the weekend was sunny and dry. His motto "Go big or go home" rang true.
 
Stoker?s first Glastonbury was a bit mixed - he got a bit too drunk on the Friday night and so we all took it in turns to hold him upright whilst he swayed around by the main stage. Brack decided to look after him but Stoker stumbled off and came back with a broken nose and giant cut! He thinks he fell flat on his face in the mud and hit a stone. His misses won?t be too happy as it?s her sister?s wedding this Friday. The next night he was convinced that he had seen some UFO?s - but he had had some Hobbit pipe.
 
Brack enjoyed himself and made the most of the weekend as always. He particularly enjoyed baiting the piss police. This is a group of people who wear green police uniform and helmets and chase after you with a whistle if you dare to urinate in an inappropriate place.
 
The Horse bumped into the Gaffer?s sister in the beer tent. Luckily for her Griffo was not there as she may have been coerced back to his tent!
 
We saw some good bands highlights were Alabama 3, Winehouse, Kings of Leon, Leonard Cohen and the Verve. We would have seen more music but we lost a day at the ?Stone Circle? - you really can buy anything you want there!
 
Had an eventful evening last Thursday. Went to a work do in the Mall and had a bit too much to drink. Spent 1 hour haggling with overpriced taxi drivers so got the night bus back to the office, picked up my bike and cycled home. When I got home I fell asleep but was woken up at 4am by Cathy who heard a burglar walking up our stairs! I jumped out of bed put my jeans on and heard rushed footsteps. I saw the front door closing so jumped down the stairs and out the front door and saw a man running down the street with my suit jacket! Fortunately, my wallet was in the inside pocket and fell out so got that back. Cathy called the cops and they were whizzing up the street trying to find him within a minute but he got away unfortunately. Always pays to double lock your door!
 
Had a few evenings at Wimbledon. You can take your own food and drink in so it?s quite good value and there are some good games going on in the smaller courts.
 
Casuals Reunited was a huge success - not least because Angry wasn?t there. Was good to take advantage of the Welsh boys? hangovers and give them a bit of a thrashing and great to see all the old faces. Well done Rulo for organising a brilliant day and well done to Geordie for drinking a Yard of Ale in 14 seconds - unbelievable!
 
Poor old Barnyard had quite a big operation on his hip. Not sure what the exact operation was but he basically had to have a bone taken out, filed down and then put back in. He?s been on crutches for 6 weeks but will make a full recovery and we may yet see his left foot in action for the Casuals again soon.....
 
 
Thursday 29 May 2008
 
Dear Diary
 
I would like to thank all the Casuals for a good season overall. We were all disappointed to miss out on promotion but it may not have been such a bad thing with our poor player availability. Strange to finish below Tooting Bec after we thrashed them twice but the league table doesn?t lie. We?ve certainly got a good core of players but lack strength in depth. If we can bolster the squad this summer and we?ll have a good chance next season. Could also do with a couple of knee replacements for Payneeeeee and Rulo.
 
End of season do was good fun with strong attendance and it was good to take over the Half Moon in Putney for the Rolling Stoned tribute act.
 
Looking forward to the Casuals Reunited day. Will be good to see all the old faces. Shame that there aren?t so many from the current squad going -they don?t know what they?re missing. In any case there will be plenty of us and it will be a laugh to see the mad Welshmen outside of Bridgend.
 
Talking of bloody Wales, I ended up in Aberystwyth last weekend for a stag do and they are really weird up there. All the locals had funny shaped heads.
 
Watched the Champions League final in a bar in Blackfriars and all the drinks were paid for so ended up getting wrecked again. Can?t remember much about the game but seem to recall the whole bar was dancing when Terry missed and one of the brokers ordered a round of 40 Mojitos. Ridiculous.
 
Ambramovich has apparently invested £600 million into Chelski (that?s even more than the [ex] Gaffer put into the Casuals) and they are probably the most hated club in England - quite an achievement.. Some of the lads from work went to Moscow and were a bit sullen when they got back "...miserable country, miserable people, shit food, overpriced drinks, terrible weather, awful logistics.....!" The Chelsea fans whoi satyed at home didn?t seem happy either and trashed Fulham afterwards. They smashed a couple of windows in our local pub The Pelican and even uprooted a few trees in the street! Fighting each other as well - nutters.
 
I had a mini game of football in the office the next day to practice my penalties. We have some limited edition Marilyn Monroe pictures on the wall and I was firing the ball between them. Unfortunately, I miscued and smashed the frame of one. Glass went everywhere and a few of my colleagues shouted at me. Blagged one of them to give me a lift down the Fulham Road to a picture framers and got it fixed pretty sharpish before the boss came back. Not sure I can put it through on expenses.
 
Played in a 5-a-side tournament at St Andrews (Birmingham City?s ground) last week with our work team. We didn?t get through the group stage unfortunately but had a good day. There was one show boater playing and I took him out a few times Hobbit style and swore at him. Not a very corporate thing to do and I got a bit of a ticking off. I then got caught stealing things from the medical room afterwards but managed to get some tape for Lofty?s socks next season and a couple of Adrenaline shots for Payneeeee.
 
Bumped into Skelly in Soho a few weeks back. He made me eat some Oysters. Not sure I liked them really. He?s off to Russia to sell the club this week - hope he gets a good price.
 
Pool night with the (ex) Gaffer was entertaining. I was fearing that I would be outfoxed by the wiry old stamp dealer but I kept the (ex) Gaffer talking whilst he was taking his shots so he kept losing concentration.
 
Had a pool competition with work a few weeks ago and things got a bit messy. Didn?t leave until 4am in the morning and had to go into work a few hours later. I snapped a few cues in half and chucked the triangle at a journalist so don?t think I will hurry back to Rileys.
 
Rumour has it THE HORSE may be relocating back to London. You heard it here first.....
 
 
14 February 2008
 
Not a great performance v Westside on Saturday but good result, especially after conceding such an early goal. I will be curbing my Friday night drinking after having such a shocker. Still, at least I didn?t have curry breath like that Angry bloke.
 
Can?t wait for the County Cup match on Sat - come on the Casuals!
 
Went to a funny restaurant on Saturday night in Westbourne Grove. It?s called the Tiroler Hut and is a themed based Austrian place. There?s weird live music, bell ringing, litres of beer, loads of schnapps, Gorilla masks and lots of honking.

Even AA Gill likes it and he doesn?t like anything. Would be perfect for a Casuals night out.
 
 
(see 8th paragraph down)
 
Went to Scott?s in Mayfair last night with my rich Uncle and Auntie.  Very posh place with loads of snobs eating.
 
Michael Caine walked in with his wife and sat in the table next to us and then 5 minutes later Michael Winner hobbled in with his walking stick and sat with them.
 
I was going to try and get something signed with next year?s Casuals raffle in mind but thought better of it. Michael Caine looked a bit ancient but he is a big old bloke (not a lot of people know that - Ed).
 
Winner waves his handkerchief around his head when he wants the waiter - rude bastard. I tried to do an impression of him but my Auntie wasn?t very impressed so had to stop.
 

CAINE: In Escape to Victory with Pele and Bobby Moore

 
7th February 2008
 
Dear Diary
 
Gutted to miss the game on Saturday v AFC Ewell but really pleased to see the lads won comfortably. We certainly needed to win and a boost to our goal difference. Just need to keep winning now and see what happens.
 
Had a great time skiing in Switzerland. Dan met us all in the train station in Zurich and we travelled up to Davos and got there early evening. We were staying in a former Nunnery, which was a bit different. The bars were pretty lively but full of weird Swiss blokes.
 
Dan likes it over there because you can still smoke in the bars.
 
Brack and Griffo took us out on the slopes in the morning and taught myself, Cathy, Kim, Sarah (Brack?s bird) and Helen (Griffo?s bird) to ski. I wasn?t best pleased getting lumbered with a load of birds whilst Razor, Barnyard, Miranda went off down the slopes but really good of the lads to take the time to teach us.
 
Found it difficult at first but started to get the hang of it towards the end of the day and was able to take out a couple of Chinese kids with my skis. Got hammered in the evening in the bars and let off a few stink bombs. Breakfast was fun as I was able to put plastic spiders and mice on the buffet table - the boring Swiss guests were a bit shocked and a few of them stared in disbelief at the table for some time much to our amusement.
 
Was able to start skiing down the slopes towards the end of the second day but not without a few hiccups. Stoker and Razor took me out on a blue slope and after starting well I spent the rest of the journey falling over and crashing into the rocks. Slid down one part of the mountain for about 50 metres.
 
Dan took us to a restaurant in the mountains in the evening and after going up in a shuttle train we had the option of sledging down a track on the way home! Not the best idea considering there were loads of signs with disclaimers and that it was pitch black, freezing cold, and basically dodgy as f++k. Needless to say Brack raced down at 100mph! I was bit more cautious and it took me about 45 mins to get down, my hands were numb as I had no gloves either. Should have got the train back down with the girls in hindsight but managed to get down in one piece.
 
Spent the next couple of days falling down the mountains, wearing a fake moustache to blend in with the Swiss and drinking too much whisky from my hip flask. Think I?ll be ready to race the Horse down the mountains next time.....
 
Big game this week against Westside. They seem to be an inconsistent side but have got some good results this season so it?ll be a hard game and another must win. Would be good to see Oxted drop some points as well against FC Triangle.
 
 
23rd January 2008
 
Brack was working in Putney and so came round for dinner in the evening.
He had had a night out in Soho with his boss and a couple of work colleagues the evening before and took a lift with one of these cycle taxis.
 
The driver didn?t really know the way so the Horse convinced him to let him drive the bike! Brack soon built up some speed but took a corner too fast and smashed into the back of a parked lorry. The bike was bent in two and a complete right off. He shouted ?leg it!? to his work mates who looked at him dumbfounded. He ended up giving the poor taxi man about £30 quid and made a sharp exit.
 
Wish the Horse was around more often he certainly brightens up a dull day!
 
 
17th January 2008
 
Went out for a few beers on Wednesday night with Gav, Stoker and Barnyard last week and started off in the Sam Smith?s pub in Great Portland Street. After necking 4 pints in the first hour and pouring vinegar in Stoker?s pints (he still drank them) we went to the Nellie Dean pub in Soho Square (www.beerintheevening.com/pubs/s/41/416/Nellie_Dean/Soho
<http://www.beerintheevening.com/pubs/s/41/416/Nellie_Dean/Soho>) and started playing pool in the upstairs bar.
 
There was this giant TV screen with the news on that was a bit annoying so I tried to fold it up the wall by pulling it down but it ripped off hitting some French bloke in the head. The bar manager then came up and kicked everyone out of the bar! I wasn?t the most popular as there were about 20 innocent customers just having a quiet drink. I told the bar manager that the TV was unsafe and so I was doing her a favour but she didn?t see it that way for some reason.
 
Went onto another bar somewhere in China Town and pissed on the electrics of the gambling machine when Stoker was in mid play and it fused the whole machine blew up. Lucky I didn?t electrocute myself.
 
Missed the last tube home so got the night bus back to Chelsea and then cycled home. Jumped in with the milk man for the last 5 mins and had a chat with him. Nice bloke, says he?s going to deliver some milk soon.
 
Had a terrible hangover in the morning - not good this midweek drinking.
 
 
Thursday 10th January 2007 
 
Been a while since an update so a few highlights at the end of 2007:
 
Watched the Rugby World Cup final in a pub called the Leather Bottle in Earlsfield. Brilliant pub with an enormous garden and big screen. Loads of Saffa?s in there, must have been outnumbered 10 -1! Still with Barnyard in attendance, we certainly got noticed. Managed to upset loads of people by ripping the heater off the ceiling. Things got worse when we smashed a stool up at the end and chucked it over the fence. When the Saffa?s were about to lift the trophy I then pulled the plug on the telly. I was lucky to get out alive in the end. Didn?t bode well for the trip to SA a couple of weeks later.
 
Had a fantastic time in the end and the wedding went very well and everyone seemed to have a good day. Barnyard was the same as ever making jokes on the alter and sweating profusely in the heat. We were trying to make Brack and Dan (the best men) laugh when Kim?s Mum starting singing but it was Barnyard who almost got the giggles!
 
We all went to Kruger Park on Safari afterwards. Staying on campus with Dan Bennett, Brack, Stoker, Bruce, Barnyard, Razor, Tory Boy and a load of Saffa?s was always going to be an interesting mix but we all got on well. I enjoyed the evenings when we would bait the hyenas and throw eggs at the Buffalo, Wilderbeast and Giraffes. We didn?t tell the Saffa?s about this because we?d have got in trouble. Luckily no one got injured although Barnyard got drunk one afternoon and decided to get out of the car whilst in the middle of the jungle. Still, with his Parrot like features he blended into the bush quite well.
 
Highlight in Cape Town was climbing up Table Mountain and nearly dying.
It took about two and a half hours and was very treacherous (not to mention windy and freezing cold near the top). Cathy got a bit upset because she?s terrified of heights and she hated every minute of it. It didn?t help that she decided to climb up wearing one of her party dresses. I since heard that 11 people died attempting to climb up last year - might perhaps have thought twice about it had I known that beforehand. Decided not to tell Cathy this statistic. Still, it was good fun and we were able to get the Cable Car back down! Brack?s bird Sarah went up wearing flip flops and had 2 panic attacks - doubt anyone had ever gone up there with flip flops on before.
 
Driving through Johannesburg with Stoker was quite dangerous. It was a really long drive and we were all knackered and he drove straight over a train track without looking and we got pulled over by the local cops in the middle of nowhere. After threatening to take us down to the police station for questioning we managed to pay them off with about 100 Rand (approximately £7). Who says that South Africa is corrupt?
 
Brack?s trip was eventful as ever. He forgot to book accommodation in Cape Town and so ended up staying in 4 different hotels. He made friends with all the locals as normal and every cabbie knew who he was after a couple of days. Not bad going considering he was only there for a week.
He then flew back from Cape Town via Johannesburg, some other weird place and then Madrid and he lost his horse luggage on the way home.
 
Talking of Brack, he?s joined a pub team in Worcester called the Vine. He?s even managed to recruit Buzz to the team!
 
Not a bad result on Saturday. I think we edged it and would normally have scored a couple of goals but Puretown also had a few opportunities.
 
They were calling one of their midfielders Frodo, which was quite confusing. I?m sure I must be related to him. Great to have a decent squad of players at last. It?s been a tricky first half to the season in terms of availability and now that we have more regulars we should be stronger. With another 15 league games to play we?re going to need everyone one as well.
 
Went to watch Chelsea v Everton on Tuesday night, which was interesting.
At half time all the Scousers were smoking Hobbit pipe in the toilets and a few of them were getting thrown out. I was walking past and got turfed out with them. I wasn?t too chuffed put up a bit of a fight and got jumped on by 6 fat stewards who put me in an arm lock and threw me into a holding cell. Got questioned by the cops for a while and then was escorted off the premises. Missed the whole second half! What a bummer.
 
Went down the pub to watch the second half and the evening got worse when Lescott scored an OG with seconds remaining.
 
Monday 8 October 2007
 
Dear Diary
 
What a great start to the season! 5 out of 5 so far. We?ve certainly ridden our luck at times but lots to be positive about. Not getting too carried away because it?s a long season and we?ve got some hard games coming up but we couldn?t have wished for a better start.

Good to see the Horse make his 100th appearance on Saturday. Thought he played really well especially as he?s just sat on his Mum?s couch eating her food for the last 6 months. Great to have Lofty the Scarecrow backas well - he even volunteered to wash the kit. Unbelievable. Big game this coming weekend against Oxted.

Had a skinful of beers with Stoker and the Horse on Saturday night in Putney. Saw a Rolling Stone tribute band who were good. Stoker had some mates down and they were trashed, one of them kept jumping on the stage and grabbing the Mick Jagger wannabe. Very funny! Got hammered again last night in Camden. I think it?s going to be a long week...

Took Cathy to an outdoor swimming pool in Holborn last week. It?s full of gay boys but apart from that it?s good. Fully heated but your head gets a bit cold especially my hairy Hobbit head.

Barnyard?s stag in Brighton was good fun. I don?t think my stink bombs went down very well. It was difficult enough getting into pubs with 18 lads and it was pretty obvious that we (or rather me) were responsible for the smell. Also had a bit of stinker when I threw a little punch at Tory Boy. I think he forgave me and it was quite funny afterwards but a bit embarrassing.
 
Barnyard loved dressing up as a Parrot, it really suited him and I don?t think he wanted to take it off. Managed to get home ok in Cathy?s car but nearly crashed a few times, especially when Barnyard kept fiddling with the gear stick on the motorway.
 
Can?t think why he would have suicidal tendencies just before he marries Kim...
 
 
Wednesday 29 August 2007
 
Dear Diary
 
Good performance on Saturday against Fulham Deaf. The new lads all did really well and we were a bit like Man City with so many new faces in the team. Payneee is starting to look a bit like Sven as well with his greying hair. When Hitman, Grumpy Jim, Skelly, Stoker and Badger (????) return we?ll have a strong squad and could do well this season. Angry should have been sent off (again) but we can forgive him seeing as he hasn?t touched a ball for 4 months. How did Dom manage to get himself into central midfield? Anyone would think he helped Payneee to pick the team. Sad to see Robotic Rod leave the Casuals after 4 seasons. Wish him all the best for the future. He epitomised everything good about the Casuals - Pride, Passion, Commitment and erm...Robotic dancing. He?ll be sorely missed.
 
I turned 28 last Friday and was taken down the pub at lunchtime by my work mates. After a bottle of champagne and 7 pints of Abbots Ale I went back to the office 6 hours later and pretended to do some work for 10 minutes. I then went back down the pub again for a couple of hours and drank a load of rum. Cycled back to the flat somehow and drank another bottle of champagne and then had to go out for dinner with the in-laws at 8pm, which was interesting, but managed to keep it together just about. Not ideal preparation for the first game of the season. Won?t be doing that again.
 
Horse was working in London on Friday so came down to Chelsea for a couple of drinks at lunchtime and he very kindly bought me a bottle of malt whisky. Unfortunately, I dropped it on the way back to the office and it smashed! I?ve bought a replacement bottle so hope he doesn?t find out.
 
Went on a boat trip in Cowes (Isle of Wight) a couple of weeks ago with Resolution Asset Management (Pilch?s company). Pilch wasn?t there but I told some of his colleagues that we call him as Sir Clive. I?ve never been very good on boats and usually get sea sick but thought that I?d perhaps grown out of it. Unfortunately, I felt rough as soon as the boat left the harbour and was green after about an hour.
 
Managed to get through most of the trip but as we were coming back to the shore I spewed up about 5 times overboard much to the amusement of the crew and all the other boats coming into dock. Got labelled sick note for the rest of the day. There were some good lads on the boat, which was unusual because most IFA?s are boring old gits. One of them decided to relieve himself at the side of the beer tent back in the Village in the evening. He was spotted by 2 stewards, then punched one of them, and was promptly jumped upon by 10 policemen! A few hours in a cell in Cowes followed, and he was released at 3am to wait for an early morning ferry over to Southampton. All in a day?s hospitality from Resolution Asset Management! I blame Pilch.
 
Cathy bought a new sofa from M&S (at great expense) and it didn?t fit in the lounge. M&S have a no return policy on furniture and we had to pay an upholsterer £200 to get it shortened. What a joke! Told her to just buy food from M&S in future.
 
Thursday 2 August 2007
 
Still in a state of shock over the Gaffer?s decision to resign.
 
Can?t blame him after last seasons debacle but I don?t think anyone was expecting that. He seemed really excited about the new season and keen as mustard at pre season training. Phil did so much for the team (well pretty much everything) and the successors will have their work cut out to keep the current rabble organised.
 
Big thanks to Dom for helping out in the interim. It?s going be extremely difficult this season unless we all stick together. Training next on Wednesday (8th August) will be very important so that we can establish exactly what we are going to do.
We all owe the Gaffer a big thank you for all his efforts over the past 5 years. I?ve played 4 full seasons now and each one has been brilliant.
 
It will be very odd without him. Well it?s been an eventful start to the season and we?ve yet to kick a ball!
 
From a personal point of view my ankle seems to have finally mended.
Still being careful and strapping it up but I can kick a football again at last. Even managed to play a game of 5-a-side last week.
 
As I haven?t updated the Hobbit diary in some time here are few highlights of my summer so far:
 
Crashing Cathy?s brand new Z4
Picked up Cathy from outside a restaurant in Earlsfield in her new car. Pulled up outside the restaurant and she and her friends were eating by the window so saw me park. I got out of the car but forgot to put the handbrake on and the car rolled down the road into the car in front much to the amusement of the whole restaurant. Thankfully there was minimal damage to the car.
 
Glastonbury Festival
You may have read a version of events from Griffo, which are of course exaggerated. I would like to write what really happened but I smoked too much of the hobbit pipe to remember. I do remember seeing Dan Bennett at one point but he seemed to leave as soon as he arrived, oh yeah and I remember it pouring with rain all weekend. I think the highlight was dancing to The Monster with the Horse on Friday afternoon and I enjoyed Modest Mouse (even if no one else did). Incidentally, if you watch the Mark Ronson set on BBC you will get a glimpse of us, we?re stood right at the front looking bored and wet.
 
New flat
Have finally got on the housing ladder and bought a flat. It?s over the river in Southfields so only takes 15 minutes on the beach cruiser to work and is really near to our home ground. Wasn?t too happy about moving out of Fulham but one has to make the odd sacrifice. The good news is that I?ve only been to Ikea once!
 
02 gig
Took Cathy to watch Keane at the Millennium Dome for her birthday. I thought it would be a civilised affair but she decided to drink about two bottles of wine before we went out and a handbag full of wine miniatures on the tube. When the gig had finished we went to a bar and Cathy was as white as a sheet and ran to the toilets. We were supposed to meet some friends in Greenwich but decided to get the tube home instead because she felt unwell. We had travelled 2 stops from Greenwich and then she threw up all over me, herself and over the carriage floor.
 
The tube was packed as well and our fellow passengers weren?t too chuffed. There was spaghetti everywhere! Had to get a cab back home in the end after making the cabbie stop 3 or 4 times so that she could spew up. What a lightweight.
 
Tour
Fantastic tour to Bridgend. Probably the best yet in term of numbers and a really good atmosphere amongst the lads. Things just get worse and worse each year if that?s possible. The Borat outfit was hideous and the less said about the (almost) naked Gaffer?s crab dance the better.
 
Wasn?t a big fan of the horse whip either and felt a bit sorry for Maestro who had 3 lashings! I got into work the Monday afterwards and one of the self employed lads asked me if I played for the Westminster Casuals. When I said yes he laughed and said that he was chatting to a Welsh mate of his mate was having a quiet drink in the Five Bells and he said that there were a mad football team in London doing weird things. I told him that it was best if he didn?t know any more!
 
 
Monday 4 June
 
Was good to see some of the Casuals in the Weekend Wonders Four Four Two supplement this month (Payneeeee 43rd, Horse 60th and myself 70th) and congratulations to the Gaffer for winning the competition. Just shows that his compulsive voting paid off (1,000 votes in only 45 minutes). He?s expecting to receive Playstation shortly as a prize. As the new club treasurer I?m going to sell it on ebay to raise some money for the club. In any case, he won?t be able to play it with his funny arm and he?s too old to play computer games.
 
Cathy was delighted that we postponed our holiday by a day so that I could go to Charlton. She couldn?t understand why I wanted go along because I was injured. Women just don?t understand these things. She made me buy a really expensive sofa for our new flat to get her own back last week.
 
Was glad to survive another Bridgend Tour. They seem to get worse and worse each year. I?m still having nightmares about the (almost naked) Crabdance. The video clip on You Tube is quite something. I like it when Brack chucks a pint over the Gaffer and he just wipes his eyes and carries on. The Borat outfit was soaking wet when I had to put it on!
 
The Welsh lads were good fun as always but I felt sorry for Animal Junior when he drank that pint through Payneeee?s mouldy pants. It was a brilliant weekend overall, I particularly enjoyed getting pissed twice in a day on Friday and climbing through the back window to get into The Walkabout. Dancing with a bin on my head in Cody?s was fun too.
 
Apparently, someone let Rulo?s car tyre down, fingers were unfairly pointed at me at first but I?m sure that the real culprit(s) will be exposed at some point soon. I can understand why Rulo was Angry and he didn?t really need to use his Brainy to find out with did it.
 
My ankle is still knackered but am hoping to be fit for pre-season.
Molesey have written to me twice to invite me to pre season training (God knows why) but I won?t be leaving the Casuals again!
 
Should be a good season in the new league and hopefully a better standard. Playing the same teams in the KDFL was a bit boring with only a few decent teams and last season was a complete shambles. I?m trying to tap up a player from Bank Of England who?s decent. He?s coming down to pre season and he?ll hopefully sign up. He?s a left sided midfielder/striker and would be a good addition to the side
 
Went to watch The Rolling Stoned at the Half Moon on Sunday night.
Really good fun. Have a look at www.rollinstoned.com <http://www.rollingstoned.co.uk/>. They?re a right laugh and sound just like the real thing! They also smoke strong Hobbit weed.
 
Bye for now. I?m off to Windsor Races for a jolly.
 
 
3 May 2007
 
Dear Diary
 
Went down to the pool hall in Clapham last night with Stoker, Gav and Barnyard.
 
The place was packed and my fart spray went down well. After stinking the place out the staff weren?t too pleased and gave me a bit of a telling off.
 
We then went next door to the nightclub Indigo and I sprayed the dance floor, which seemed to annoy everyone. Unfortunately, one of the staff from the pool hall was in there and he grassed me up to the bouncers so they confiscated my spray and kicked me out. I was expecting a bit of a slap but they seemed to find it quite funny.
 
Don?t think I?ll be able to go back into the pool hall for a while. When we were there 3 weeks ago I nicked a snooker ball and threw it at Barnyard on the way out. Unfortunately, it missed him and smashed the window of a shop on Queenstown Road!
 
It was good to see the Horse at the weekend. We had a night out in Putney on Saturday in The Dukes Head. I nicked a bottle of vodka from behind the bar and the Horse drank most of it. He was a bit rough the next day. Shame that he isn?t coming down for the game this week as we could really do with him. Just have to hope that the Mad Monk gets himself fit.
 
The Hobbit?s foot is still sore and I?m 50/50 for Saturday. Very frustrating but nothing I can do about it really. Going to try and get some physio on it tomorrow morning.
 

Tuesday 17 April 2007

It was my two year anniversary with Cathy last week and so I took her to see Onegan at the Royal Opera House for a romantic night out.
 
We had fairly good seats but I noticed that a couple of the boxes were empty so during the interval we walked into the directors box and took a seat. I thought we?d be turfed out after a few minutes but no one came to gets us and the second half started. We had the best seats in the house!
 

 
At the end of the show, the performers came on for the encore and looked up at the box expecting to see a celebrity, not two hobbits. I don?t think that you are even allowed to book seats in the box as it?s usually reserved for people like the Queen!

My ankle is still knackered. Got an outside chance of making the game on the 28th April but I still can?t jog on it so it will be difficult.

Congratulations to Geordie on buying the race horse. Should be a lot of fun for him but it wasn?t such a successful time for those Casuals who have invested in horses recently (dodgy tips on the website!) and, as I work in the investment world, I feel obliged to outline the pitfuls of gambling!
 
Horses are specialist investments and are obviously high risk. They are also expensive and buying a race horse can cost anything from £5,000 to
£1 million depending on the breeder, the lineage of the horse - offspring of previous winners command the highest cost - and its own racing and training history. However, it is not the initial outlay that breaks the bank, but rather the upkeep. Training a horse can cost between £140 and £350* a week, not taking into account vet fees if the horse becomes ill, injured or snorts too much of Dan Bennett?s Ketamine.
 
On top of this, only one in seven horses that go into training actually win a race and a lot of them do not even get as far as racing.
 
The real money to be made is not from racing but from the potency of the horse you buy. Last year a two year old horse sold at US auction for
£8.14 million*, even though it had never actually participated in a race. Instead, with two Kentucky Derby winners in its bloodline, Coolmore Stud purchased it for its breeding potential.
 
There is no doubt that investing in race horses will be fun but it is not for the faint hearted. It is a high risk, illiquid, unstable (excuse the pun) investment with erratic returns. Do not expect to make any money out of owning a race horse. Enjoy it for the excitement and, like all betting, it will be difficult to come away with a steady profit.
 
Come back next week for some tips on investing in (the Gaffer?s second favourite pastime) stamps!
 
 
 
*Source: Investment Adviser, March 2007
 
 
Wednesday 28 March 2007
 
Great win against Molesey Villa. It was good to give them a beating especially after they lorded it over us when they beat us at the end of last season. Always remember one of their players coming into our changing room after that game and mouthing off. Credit to us that we didn?t do the same to them. Still, they didn?t win anything then and if they win anything this season it just shows that we?ve shot ourselves in the foot.
 
Talking of feet, my right foot is like a balloon and I can?t walk at the moment, had to borrow some crutches off a neighbour. Been a bit boring really, had to stay in on Saturday night and had to give up tickets to see Paul Merton on Sunday.
 
Hasn?t been much improvement so had an x-ray this morning and some of the bone has flaked off but it?s not broken thankfully just ligament damage that will get better with rest.
 
Not going to be able to do much for a couple of weeks but hoping that I?ll be okay for the final league games. Been a good run though, first injury in 4 seasons playing for the Casuals so quite lucky really.
 
Have finally bought a flat after 6 months of messing about with lying estate agents and vendors. Had an offer accepted last November but after being messed about only exchanged last Friday. Bit of a relief in the end because we had been looking at other places and there is literally nothing on the market, unless you don?t mind living in a box above a curry house.
 
Upset the neighbours a bit last Tuesday night. Had a free bar in Piccadilly with some investment company and got a bit wasted. On the way back home my mate got hit by some eggs thrown by some teenagers driving by in a car!
 
I got back into the flat and got a rolling pin and then stalked the streets trying to find them. Didn?t have much success but got back in and starting whacking the fire extinguishers with the rolling pin and ringing the doorbells of the other flats. It was 2 in the morning so it was a bit unfair to the neighbours. Keeping a low profile at the moment.
 
 
 
 
Monday 12 March
 
Was asked by the Gaffer to organise a friendly for this weekend seeing as we didn?t have a game so got in touch with a team called PSV Clapham (whoever they are) for a game on Sunday. Thought it would be an easy task until the whole squad became unavailable. I knew I was down to the bare bones when I had to ask Barnyard if he fancied a game. Got there in the end though.
 
Bennett flew in from Zurich and Griffo came out of retirement. Didn?t realise how much work it is for the Gaffer trying to organise us rabble every week.
 
We somehow won 5-2 with a brace of goals each from me and RoboRod and one for Bennett.
 
The Horse finally moved out on Wednesday and starts work today (12th March) in Coventry. His two week stay in August lasted for nearly 8 months! It was a real shame to see him leave though and the flat is really quiet without him.
 
He was the perfect flatmate and will be sorely missed. I wish him all the best in Worcester but I do hope he gets bored and moves back to London. Besides there are only so many nights out with Buzz and Razor that you can take.
 
Talking of Buzz, a couple of weeks ago his team Cinderford Town were 1-0 up in a Southern League game against Woodford when Buzz got sent off in the 85th minute. Buzz was stamped on and retaliated and both players were shown red cards. As the two players met by the dressing rooms they had another pop at one another and within seconds a mass brawl had developed (including some fans) and the game was abandoned! Have a look at their website, it?s a bit basic but I think it?s on there somewhere:
 
Had a night out with Gav (remember him?), Stoker, Brack and Barnyard last week and we got a bit drunk and decided to play "To float or not to float"
on the way home. The game involves throwing something into the Thames and seeing if it floats or not. We were walking past Craven Cottage (the day before Tottenham were playing) and nicked all the signs for the Sky Sports vans and loads of traffic cones and threw them into the river. Brack then ripped a road sign (Elm Lodge) out of the ground and chucked it in as well. We also got a front door from somewhere!
 
Everything seemed to float apart from the road sign which quickly sank to the bottom. I went to the river bank this morning and it was lying on the river bed so I took a photo of it. Even funnier I went to view a flat in Elm Lodge the following week and arranged to meet the estate agent there. When I got there he said: "I had trouble finding it because there is no sign". I couldn?t have made it up! It is handy living by the Thames, Brack and I disposed of our Christmas tree by watching it float under Putney Bridge in January.
 
Good to see that the Horse made his mark at the Football League awards at the Grosvenor. It was fun to be there, the actual awards presentation was a bit dull but the event was a good crack.
 
Rulo was in his element, chatting to every other player and reminiscing. I?m looking forward to the two page spread on the Horse in FourFourTwo?s Weekend Wonders supplement and he?s got to be one of the favourites to win the competition to play at Charlton, which is great news.
 
I would like to deny rumours that I won an award for the most badly organised raffle. In fact the raffle was a roaring success, mostly thanks to the Gaffer?s £40 per player ultimatum, but with over £500 raised we can pay for the training pitches and even give Skelly?s nemesis Mick a couple of quid.
 
Poor old Skelly. He can?t go anyway near Battersea Park and Mick?s Hut for fear of arrest.
 
Nick Love?s got another film out. I wouldn?t bother watching it though, it?ll probably be a load of sh++e like all his others. He?s a big time Charlie too, always strutting around Fulham. I used to chat to him before he got too big for his boots.
 
Bye for now
 
 
8 February 2007  
 
Dear Diary
 
Very disappointing that the game was called off for the second week running. We?re supposed to be playing in the Premier League and it?s odd that some teams seem to struggle to field a side so often. Let?s hope things improve otherwise we may as well join another league next season.
 
We had a good running session on Tuesday night on the Battersea Athletics Track. Knackering but worthwhile and certainly better than poncing about in a gym for half an hour (Alex). Some French lads were looking for a game because their opposition hadn?t turned up and so we played them at 7-a- side. There were a few meaty challenges flying in and one of the lads reacted to a Brack clobbering and there was a bit of argy bargy. It turns out that they were a team of French diplomats. Only the Casuals could start a fight with a team of diplomats!
 
Had to go to an investment seminar yesterday in at the Royal Cafe in Piccadilly. It was so boring so I managed to sneak out to have a couple of pints in the pub next door with someone I knew there.
 
There was an after party in the The Cocoon Bar in the evening (just off Regent Street). Free bar all night and so got hammered. Boris Johnston was speaking, he?s completely mad, mumbling on about the Tory?s. He didn?t have a clue who we were or what we were doing. It was all rather odd but very funny. It is a shame that the Gaffer didn?t make it as an MP.
 
Went back to the Hobbit house and smashed my flatmates water filter over my head. I?ll have to buy another one for him.
 
If anyone likes films, the Riverside studios is really good. They show old films like LA Confidential and it?s only £6.50 each (much cheaper than Vue, Odean and all those other chains). There?s also a good bar overlooking the river, which is open to the public.
 
 
 
 
Thursday 25 Jan 2007
 
What a thrashing we had last Saturday. Losing 4-0 flattered us I reckon and it could easily have been 8-0. We may have had some key players out but so did they and to quote Ian Dowie; we?ll need some "bouncebackability" on Saturday.
 
Went to this cool basement jazz club in the Lots Road (off Kings Road) called 606 a couple of days ago. See www.606club.co.uk <http://www.606club.co.uk/>. I don?t like jazz but it?s a bit different and the foods pretty good. Even AA Gill likes it and he doesn?t like anything. Not sure that it would be appropriate for the next Casuals night out though.
 
As it?s Burns night today, I?ve composed a little poem:
 
?Useless wee Hobbit playing badly down the wing.
If he plays like that on Saturday the Gaffer?s slap is gonna sting
 
Brack is moving out of the Hobbits burrow, to get a job in Brum
Maybe he?s had enough of banging lighters, I was only having fun
 
I set him little challenges, but he just glides over the jumps
I love to stroke his shiny coat and feed him sugar lumps
 
The Gaffer will be gutted when we lose the services of the Horse
A real shame as his Casuals career has yet to run its course?
 
 
Just hope that Angry and that Skelly bloke pass the ball 10 yards instead of trying to ping it 50 yards every time.
 
?Til next time
 
 
12 January 2007
 
Dear Diary
 
Brack and Dom had an eventful night last Saturday. I went off a friend?s birthday party in Clapham and went to Indigo to meet them at about midnight.
 
They were hammered and after paying to get in Dom was thrown out after about 10 minutes and we all had to leave. We walked down the road past Brack?s flat and he started trying to kick the door down and was shouting "Tom, open the door you ++++!" Not normal behaviour from a landlord! Tom must be quite bemused by it all!
 
Brack then confronted a group of about 10 rude boys but luckily nothing came of it. Dom and the Horse went onto a club in Kings Cross I managed to do a runner.
 
Woke up Sunday morning at about 9am just as Brack and Dom piled through the front door smashed out of their heads. Made them both a cup of tea and Brack grabbed a bottle of whisky and poured loads in his tea! They crashed out in Brack?s room shortly afterwards.
 
Brack was supposed to go over Barnyard?s for lunch to discuss the wedding arrangements (he and Benno are Barny?s best men) but there didn?t seem much chance of that. Brack had his phone off so Barnyard turned up and dragged the drunk Horse out of bed!
 
Not sure that they actually got much arranged as Horse came back at about 8pm and was even drunker. He did, however, manage to book a flight to Zurich on the Internet for next weekend and completely forgot to had done so until the next day. The Gaffer is not happy!
 
Another good turn out at training last night and let?s hope we can win tomorrow to return to where we belong - at the top of the league!
 
 
11 January 2007
 
Dear Diary
 
VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE
VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE VOTE HORSE
 
 
 
 
5 January 2007
 
Dear Diary
 
Happy New Year to all.
 
Hope that everyone had an enjoyable Christmas and New Year. Mine was spent back home in the Shire where folk tend to be untrusting of the outside world.
 
Spent a day shooting pheasants at Lydney Park which, interestingly enough, is where master Tolkein once worked on an archaeological site and is said to be where he got the inspiration for the Lord of the Rings books. Click on:
 
I shot 9 pheasants and a couple of grouse and plucked them in time for tea.  You can?t beat free range meat, much better than that weird white stuff that is sold in Tesco. The gamekeeper had to chase a poacher off his grounds and it turns out that it was a mate of mine from the village who was poaching his Christmas lunch!
 
Looking forward to resuming the football season after the break. Seems like ages since we last played and I saw Paynee?s pants. Apparently he?s expecting a baby but I don?t believe it.
 
Hope that everyone is selling lots of raffle tickets. Remember there will be a special prize for the Casual who sells the most tickets!
 
 
 
Friday 24 November 2006
 
Dear Diary
 
Terrible result on Saturday. Worplesdon were quite possibly the worst team we have played against the season and to lose to them is an embarrassment.
 
It was strange as we didn?t actually play that badly, we just didn?t take our chances. On another day we would have been 5-0 up at half time! Still, I think everyone will agree that we are not on the top of our game and will need to improve if we are going to win anything this season.
 
My weekend got worse when I cut my hand with a knife on Saturday evening. Had some friends around for dinner and was trying to cut through the wax on a candle but slipped and stuck the knife into the side of my left hand! Blood went everywhere and I had to go and have a couple of stitches in Charing Cross hospital. Luckily, I was back home within 45 minutes and so could carry on as normal much to the amusement of our guests.

Unfortunately, things got worse when I caught my other hand in Cathy?s lethal BMW car door the next day and nearly took my index finger off.
 
That really hurt and still does. I can barely move my hands and work is a bit of a struggle.
 
The problem with working for family is that you can?t skive off ill!
 
I didn?t go training last night. My finger got worse and worse and was so swollen up that I went to see my GP yesterday. The hospital heated a pin and stuck it in the nail to let all the blood come out and it was instantly better!
 
I then had an x-ray and I?ve broken a bone in the tip of my finger but only small (hobbit) bone so I?ll hopefully be fit for next week.
 
Having the stitches out of my other hand tomorrow. What a week!
 
My finger hurts too much to type anymore!
 
 
 
Tuesday 14 November 2006
 
Dear Diary
 
It?s been another eventful week in the Hobbit world. Flew out to Zurich last Thursday afternoon with Barnyard to visit Dan the Chemist. Got a cheap flight on the Internet but when I got to the airport to check in I found out that I had booked the wrong day! The girls at reception were a bit off and made me pay a so called discount rate of £203! What a bummer. Particularly as the original flight only cost £75!
 
I paid up and then when I had the ticket I called this bloke an arsehole (which he was). This was a bit of an error because he turned out to be the airport manager and he took my ticket off me and threatened to call the police.
 
He came back about 10 minutes later (by which time Barnyard was in
hysterics) and would only let me fly if I gave him an apology. I duly apologised and then Barnyard, quite rightly, gave him a bit of grief and it was all looking a bit dodgy.
 
We eventually got onto the flight but had to leg it and only just made it! Still, managed to get there in one piece and meet Dan at the airport on time. I can see why the Chemist moved out there, he?s got a fantastic pad and there?s a great standard of living in Zurich. His flat is massive and is in the middle of town and he?s got a cinema in the lounge. Even better for Dan, his landlord left him loads of booze (including a bottle of Absinthe!).
 
Went to watch The Killers in the evening and then got hammered afterwards in a few bars. Barnyard was on good form and was easily the loudest bloke in Switzerland!
 
Went on a wine tasting boat on the lake on Friday lunchtime, which was a laugh. We pretended that we were interested in purchasing lots of cases of wine and in return had as much wine as we could drink for free.
 
Got back to Dan?s flat at around 4am Saturday morning. I fell asleep unfortunately and didn?t wake up until 7:45am, by which time my return flight had taken off! Bit of a crisis as the next flight left Zurich at noon and there was no way I?d get back time for the match. Got hold of Skelly who passed a message onto the Gaffer but they all thought I was winding them up. I wasn?t alas and eventually got back to London at 8pm. Amazingly BA didn?t get charge me a penny for the return flight as the bird on the reception was very nice!
 
Was chuffed that the lads won as it was a big game. I would like to apologise for not turning up. I promise to make amends on the pitch this Saturday. The Gaffer is punishing me by making me go to the league meeting on Wednesday night. Very harsh I think. Especially as England are playing.
 
Went to a life coaching session at the Comedy Store on Monday night.
Take a look at the website, it will change your life!
 
Can?t make training on Thursday night unfortunately as I have dinner with Harry Redknapp and Frank McLintock at Stamford Bridge. Going to ask Harry if he can loan us a couple of players.
 
Especially as Rulo has temporarily retired.
 
 
 
Friday 3 November 2006
 
Dear Diary
 
Been a bit of a drunken week. Started off at the Gaffer?s party on Sunday where we all got wrecked. Great day and thank you to Mr & Mrs Gaffer for their hospitality. I?m glad I got off when I did though as Dom, Fez etc were still going at 2am! The mulled wine was lethal - whisky, vodka, chocolate essence, red wine and limes. Not exactly a Delia Smith recipe. Cathy was spewing up early Monday morning and I don?t think she sold any cars. Not the best start to the week.
 
Ended up in the Comedy Store on Monday night with the Horse, Ulrika and Stoker. The Horse was on good form and was one of the loudest punters in the audience with his constant `Honking?. The compƩre singled him out describing him as a `drop out hippy!? much to everyone?s amusement. Smuggled in a load of red wine and got a bit tipsy. Cycled home somehow, don?t really remember the exact route.
 
Got hammered again on Wednesday night at an awards dinner at the Grosvenor Hotel. Didn?t win anything but managed to get absolutely trashed and upset a few people. Was stuck on a table next to a Rabbi and some posh bloke so drank endless glasses of champagne, a couple litres of wine and a load of whisky. Got outside and threw a flower pot at this wanker from a rival company and it just missed his head. He lookedaround and I told him that it had fallen from the balcony from one of the rooms above. He believed me amazingly.
 
Tried to get in the Ritz on the way home but the bouncers wouldn?t let me in. Got back home at about 3am and jumped on the Horse, woke up my other flatmate Mark and then jumped on Cathy. They were not too happy with me the next day. Got into work with a massive hangover and fell asleep under the desk for a while with my IPOD in my ear and coat over my head. The boss woke me up after about half an hour, which was a bit inconsiderate. Tried to get out of training in the evening but the Gaffer put his foot down!
 
Off to Edinburgh this weekend to a wedding somewhere so am missing the game regrettably. Good luck lads and make sure you smash ?em. Well not you Rod.
 
 
Monday 23 October 2006
 
Dear Diary
 
I went into Waitrose on Thursday night to buy some beers and when I got to the counter I noticed that the security guards were looking at me.
 
The manager then came over to the counter and asked me for some ID!
 
I didn?t have any so they refused to serve me! Managed to get some in the end from Threshers with my fake NUS card.
 
There are many merits to a Hobbit?s eternal youth but getting embarrassed in Waitrose is not one of them.
 
Eventful game on Saturday, bit like the old days with Hitman diving around upfront. Who needs Payneeeeeeee?
 
The Gaffer went from reluctant substitute, left back, striker to midfield general and even managed to keep a late Grumpy Jim on the bench. He did lose it a bit towards the end though and gave away 2 free kicks in the space of 1 minute. Still not too bad for an oldie and a crucial goal and is now only 5 away from his 100th!
 
Highlight was Andy getting sent off for calling the referee a +++++++ cheating ****. Although when Dave said this to him in the changing room afterwards he got a bit stroppy and reckons he said: "Come on referee, play fair."
 
Wound him up on the Sunday by pretending to be a bloke called Tim from the Surrey FA. He fell for it and thinks he?s serving a 35 day match ban.
 
Looking forward to the Gaffer?s Party on Sunday. Apparently it?s fancy dress. I wonder if Dom will wear his Monk Suit?
 
Premiership BBQ answers:
Ashley Cole
Patrick Berger
Paulo Wanchope
 
 
Friday 13 October
 
Dear Diary
 
I would like to begin by quashing vicious rumours that I stayed out until 5am before the game against Albert Royals.
 
The truth is I went down the pub after work and had a couple of pints of Guinness. It really was just a couple of pints. Rumours that it was any more than that are simply untrue.
 
You can ask my tenant Bracky!
 
Breaking Financial News
 
Baring Asset Management has appointed a replacement for Casuals legend Pilch. His name is Martin Majdaniuk and he speaks fluent English, Spanish, Polish and Russian (so clearly much brighter than the trainspotter).
 
Award winning fund manager Pilch finally escapes from Baring?s clutches on 20th October (although he is already on gardening leave) in his big money move to Resolution Asset Management.
 
His new fund will be called the Emerging Europe Long Only and is Dublin based. The launch date is 3rd November and the minimum investment will be £2,500. So if you?ve got a few quid stuffed down your sofa.....
 
Football news
 
Played at the David Beckham academy on Tuesday night in Greenwich for my work team and couldn?t hit a barn door. It was embarrassing.
 
I could see my team mates thinking, I thought you were supposed to be good. Having missed 2 one on ones and blazed countless shots over the bar we were knocked out in the group stages drawing all three group games 0-0 and losing one 1-0! I felt slightly responsible for our exit from the competition.
 
Name 3 Premiership players who are connected to a bar-be-que.
 
Answers next week.
 
 
 
Monday 2 October
 
Dear Diary
 
Dan Bennett was back in London for the weekend from his high flying job in Zurich and I saw him in Portobello Road on Saturday night.
 
He?s settled in well over there but is working very hard and is on call 24 hours a day.
 
Not being adverse to a drink or two, Bennett got hammered at some weird cheese eating festival last week and got a conference call from UBS with 11 of his colleagues late evening.
 
He was so hammered that he staerted singing German songs down the phone and telling his boss to "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". He got away with it somehow but was given a bit of a ticking off the next day.
 
Brack phoned the Gaffer at 3am on Sunday morning after one too many Caiparinas and left a message on his answer phone saying "Put me in the team you C**t."
 
The Horse is very remorseful and spent most of Sunday morning grovelling to a very irate Gaffer.
 
It was actually my fault because I phoned the Gaffer and Brack decided to shout down the phone. His words of course but if I hadn?t of called him he wouldn?t have said it.
 
Nevertheless it was a rather silly thing to say to the GAFFER!
 
The Gaffer was not impressed and has challenged the Horse to a sparing match in Battersea gym this Thursday night after training. Should be interesting.
 
 
Thursday 28 September
 
Dear Diary
 
No game at the weekend so went back to the Shire for the weekend to see the family. Couple of mates asked me to play football for them but the missus objected as she didn?t want to spend the afternoon on her own with my parents. Fair enough I suppose.
 
Popped up to Cinderford Town to watch my hero Buzz play for half an hour but he wasn?t there because he was at a wedding with his bird! Spoke to a couple of the locals though and they said that he was doing well. He fits in around there with all those thick Foresters. His ugly mug was in the local paper ?The Forester? and he looked almost normal compared to his team mates.
 
Good game against the Westminster Wankers on Tuesday night. We were too strong for Hugo, Benoir et al and gave them a bit of a stuffing. Even the Gaffer scored. Amazing.
 
Aiken was on the sidelines trying to put us off I think. He was wearing a singlet and some little black shorts and was sweating profusely. It was a bit gross actually.
 
Brack went to work with two different shoes on last week. When he got to his office he noticed he was wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe!
 
He got away with it though as everyone was too busy looking at his love bites.
 
?Til next time...
 
 
 
Friday 22 September 2006
 
Dear Diary
 
Went to Putney Arts Theatre last night with Mr & Mrs Gaffer, Brack and a few others to watch Barney perform in ?Night of the Soul?.
 
Play was excellent, much better than most overpriced corny West End shows and Barney had a good part.
 
It was about a female ghost (who died in the black death) who has lived in a hotel since the 14th century. One of the guests sees her and starts a relationship but no one else can see the ghost. It?s quite dark but amusing in places and very well done.
 
Unfortunately, this rather large old bird in the play wore a skirt that was far too small for her and half the audience could see right up it. The Gaffer and the Horse were of course the first to notice and nearly caused mass hysterics!
 
We got roped into a Q&A session in the bar afterwards and all these arty types discussed the play. It was a bit cringeworthy so The Gaffer piped up and stole the show with some thought provoking questions about purgatory and the sterility of marriage.
 
It really was hilarious. I knew he wouldn?t be able to resist it!
 
Barney kept making faces at us and so I had to leave before we burst out laughing!
 
Come back soon for my next diary entry.

PS Go to Google and type in: ?fuck wit?

                                                                                                                                                                                                            

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